So, I'll be over on Tumblr for awhile here
I'm not quite sure if this will end up being home for my blog, but I am going to experiment for awhile. I find that most of these post end up being days or weeks after an original thought or action and therefore not too relevant. But, that might make me think a bit more before I post something, and not make quite so much a fool of myself. I'm excited to share songs, quotes, pictures, links, and the like in a more 'real time' sort of way.
This may be the home to my longer post. Hope you join me or at least check it out and I'll check back in here once in awhile!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Deficit Deal
*WARNING: Political opinions ahead*
I wouldn't call my self a republican or democrat. I wouldn't call myself liberal or conservative either. There isn't a political label out there specific enough that fits. I used to think there was a problem that I didn't fit into a category regarding those things, but I've been learning that is just fine because I know where I stand. I generally take everything, any politician says skeptically in a prove-it sort of way. I think it is sad that we've gotten used to our politicans selling us big ideas and dreams and then, very quicky, falling short. I find it hard to believe that one politican can make that big of a difference, when there are two massive opposing political parties duking it out for votes.
Generally, I think most people get started in politics with good intentions. You know, wanting to change the world for the better and what-not. I have even considered going the polictical route, but that is quickly ruled out because I know I'd either get myself in trouble by saying something wrong or I'd get corrupted. However, somewhere along the lines, things change for those that wish to do well by the American people. It more often becomes about getting votes to stay in office longer and pushing an agenda. Now, I know that politicians can't ever please everyone, but I would just like a little more common sense in Washington. Maybe I'm just a cynic.
This morning on the way to work I got the chance to listen to President Obama give a press conference regarding the deficit reduction negotiations (you can see a summary of that here ---> http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/07/11/137763574/coming-up-president-obamas-news-conference). After listening to the President talk, I thought he was talking common sense. Maybe I was just duped by his savvy political speech.
Here's what I think about this deficit issue. This might be an over simplification, but here goes. The Democrats are saying they won't vote on a 'raise the debt ceiling' package if cuts to entitlement programs (social security, medicare, etc) are part of the deal. Republicans are saying they won't vote on a package that includes anything that looks like tax increases (even to corporate jet owners or the wealthiest Americans). Now, I'm no economist, in fact I'm terrible with numbers and all that stuff. However, if what everyone on NPR, the Wallstreet Journal and NY Times are saying is true regarding numbers, and it'll take a combination of those two tactics to reduce the deficit, then why are we arguing?
Experts have been saying for years that entitlement programs are not sustainable (especially with the baby boomers heading towards retirement) the way they are (in fact, I've resigned that I'll never even see a social security check in my life). Also, if a way to decrease the deficit is to increase revenue, then raising taxes (or at least closing loopholes or taxing those that can afford it most) is going to have to be a part of the deal. I think it is childish that members of both parties are refusing to even consider the other's proposals when in reality, we are going to have to do BOTH if we want to see real deficit reduction.
It is so hard to imagine that top law makers aren't willing to compromise on this difficult issue. They need to shove their pride to the side and do what is best for it's citizens, not what will make President Obama look bad to voters or what will get either party more seats in the senate or house in the next election. Those are shameful principles with which to make decisions. I don't care if you are up for re-election, or if you don't trust someone from another party, or if it's your goal to make the other party look bad. This will impact all of us. So suck it up, and do what is best for our Country and compromise. Do they think a default is what is best for us if they aren't willing to compromise? Actually it blows my mind how foolish some politicians are.
I'll say it again, I'm not an expert in politics or economics and I don't have all the information that is said behind closed doors, I'm an average American that works hard for what I do have and is thankful for the freedoms that were attained through sacrifice. I don't always agree with the President, but I respect what he has said on this issue. That we need to compromise and not push it off with another stop-gap spending agreement. This just proves how selfish we are as a society, so entitled to think we can have whatever we want without hard work. It is partially those selfish, greedy practices that got us into the financial trouble we are in. Are we so arrogant that we think we don't have to make sacrifices for change?
I hope Washington can prove me wrong and show me that, in the President's words, "this down can actually do something once in awhile".
I wouldn't call my self a republican or democrat. I wouldn't call myself liberal or conservative either. There isn't a political label out there specific enough that fits. I used to think there was a problem that I didn't fit into a category regarding those things, but I've been learning that is just fine because I know where I stand. I generally take everything, any politician says skeptically in a prove-it sort of way. I think it is sad that we've gotten used to our politicans selling us big ideas and dreams and then, very quicky, falling short. I find it hard to believe that one politican can make that big of a difference, when there are two massive opposing political parties duking it out for votes.
Generally, I think most people get started in politics with good intentions. You know, wanting to change the world for the better and what-not. I have even considered going the polictical route, but that is quickly ruled out because I know I'd either get myself in trouble by saying something wrong or I'd get corrupted. However, somewhere along the lines, things change for those that wish to do well by the American people. It more often becomes about getting votes to stay in office longer and pushing an agenda. Now, I know that politicians can't ever please everyone, but I would just like a little more common sense in Washington. Maybe I'm just a cynic.
This morning on the way to work I got the chance to listen to President Obama give a press conference regarding the deficit reduction negotiations (you can see a summary of that here ---> http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/07/11/137763574/coming-up-president-obamas-news-conference). After listening to the President talk, I thought he was talking common sense. Maybe I was just duped by his savvy political speech.
Here's what I think about this deficit issue. This might be an over simplification, but here goes. The Democrats are saying they won't vote on a 'raise the debt ceiling' package if cuts to entitlement programs (social security, medicare, etc) are part of the deal. Republicans are saying they won't vote on a package that includes anything that looks like tax increases (even to corporate jet owners or the wealthiest Americans). Now, I'm no economist, in fact I'm terrible with numbers and all that stuff. However, if what everyone on NPR, the Wallstreet Journal and NY Times are saying is true regarding numbers, and it'll take a combination of those two tactics to reduce the deficit, then why are we arguing?
Experts have been saying for years that entitlement programs are not sustainable (especially with the baby boomers heading towards retirement) the way they are (in fact, I've resigned that I'll never even see a social security check in my life). Also, if a way to decrease the deficit is to increase revenue, then raising taxes (or at least closing loopholes or taxing those that can afford it most) is going to have to be a part of the deal. I think it is childish that members of both parties are refusing to even consider the other's proposals when in reality, we are going to have to do BOTH if we want to see real deficit reduction.
It is so hard to imagine that top law makers aren't willing to compromise on this difficult issue. They need to shove their pride to the side and do what is best for it's citizens, not what will make President Obama look bad to voters or what will get either party more seats in the senate or house in the next election. Those are shameful principles with which to make decisions. I don't care if you are up for re-election, or if you don't trust someone from another party, or if it's your goal to make the other party look bad. This will impact all of us. So suck it up, and do what is best for our Country and compromise. Do they think a default is what is best for us if they aren't willing to compromise? Actually it blows my mind how foolish some politicians are.
I'll say it again, I'm not an expert in politics or economics and I don't have all the information that is said behind closed doors, I'm an average American that works hard for what I do have and is thankful for the freedoms that were attained through sacrifice. I don't always agree with the President, but I respect what he has said on this issue. That we need to compromise and not push it off with another stop-gap spending agreement. This just proves how selfish we are as a society, so entitled to think we can have whatever we want without hard work. It is partially those selfish, greedy practices that got us into the financial trouble we are in. Are we so arrogant that we think we don't have to make sacrifices for change?
I hope Washington can prove me wrong and show me that, in the President's words, "this down can actually do something once in awhile".
Monday, June 20, 2011
What Am I Looking For?
I've been asked that question a number of times before. By friends, by mentors, by my pastor and today through Donald Miller's blog post (you can read that here ----> http://http//donmilleris.com/2011/06/20/what-are-you-looking-for-in-a-spouse-why-not-create-a-list/).
Relationships or romantic love is a topic I don't really enjoy discussing outside of my close friendships, even then it's a little uncomfortable. Talking about it with co-workers, family and on this blog give me a sort of squirmy feeling and that is probably and indication I need professional help. Squirmy for no particular reason, however. I've had less relationship drama than a 13 year old girl. When high school hit along with the hormones, I made a sort of purposeful attempt at avoiding romantic things because I wanted to focus on school and swimming. When college came I took the approach (or lack-there-of) that it will just sort of 'happen'. I don't need to do anything, it'll all just fall into place, I had plenty of time. Well, college came and went with minimal movement. About a year or so after graduation I found myself thinking, "Crap, maybe I was supposed to do something more, how am I supposed to meet guys now!?"
Well, its a couple of years later still, and I've slowed my roll a little in the worry department. There are times when I feel a sense of urgency regarding acquiring a relationship, however I feel that might be more due to cultural pressures. As the vast majority of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and even thought the wedding boom as slowed, I can think of five babies that have been born within the last month or so.
It is a kind of weird place to be. I've been working really hard on building a meaningful career, being intentional in my relationships with friends, and trying (at a rather snail like pace) of serving my community more. Seeing where my skills and gifts fit the needs of my community. But I don't make for a great conversationalist at a friends wedding, a baby shower or at any medium to large social gathering of friends. Maybe you know what I mean, it goes something like this:
Friend I haven't seen in awhile: Oh, how have you been? What have you been up too?
Me: Well, I've been working and (at this point I'll add the most recent 'exciting' activity I've done, kayaking, trip somewhere, family event, etc).
At this point the conversation usually dies, so I attempt to revive it by inquiring about what that person has been up too. You know, what have them and their significant other been doing, what new milestone has their child reached, what career goal have the attained, what new home improvement project have they taken on. Then you move on to the next conversation that will be identical. The more cynical side of me would like to say something about how I don't have a job I love, I'm still single, I share a bedroom with one of my college friends, my cars check engine light is still on and I haven't gotten into school! But I don't say those things, because in reality I don't think I REALLY feel that way. Again, all that societal pressure.
However, I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Nacho Libre with Jack Black, where his character is hilariously lamenting about how he is priest that just does the same thing everyday but really wants to be a wrestler and fall in love. "But my life is good! Really good! I get to wake up every morning, at 5AM, and make some soup! It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! That's fantastic!"
With the recent news that I did get into grad school, I feel as though I can face the masses with that as my reasoning behind why I'm not where the majority of people in my age range are at in life. Now don't get me wrong, that is not the reason I applied to school, in fact I've wanted to get my MSW since my junior year at Oregon State. I'm really excited about school, so excited that I spent my Saturday night on my couch in my sweat pants looking at my class schedule and book lists.
The thing is, even if I knew scores of single, eligible men, I'm not even sure I would know what I 'want'. I've spent so much time not focusing on relationships and the idea of making a list makes me cringe a little, and I'm not sure why. It is not that I don't want a relationship or to get married and have a family one day, because I do. I've tried to talk myself out of it on a few occasions, but it is a desire I have. And that is a little scary to admit not just to myself, but to the world (by 'world' I really mean the 6 people that actually read this thing).
It's funny how God uses people to speak truth into your life. Just yesterday I was talking with my Aunt, stressing about the not-so-small fortune of debt I'll be acquiring through going back to school. She said that she felt that way about a mortgage when they first bought the house they are in how, and God was faithful and they paid off the mortgage in about 15 years (I'm pretty sure it was a 30 year loan, too). She went on to say that God proved faithful again when my cousins and I got through college without any debt. She told me that God has me on this path, getting into school on his timing (as I'd been trying for the last three years), and that he is faithful and is going to use that for his good. I felt really blessed when she spoke those things. Realizing that she was right not just about school debt but more about life. Not that it won't be without difficulty but that He is faithful.
I'm continually confronted by God's love for me and that the end-all be-all of life's existence isn't found solely in a relationship or in an education, it's found in Him. I'm hopeful that a God centered and serving relationship will be a part of my life, but in the meantime I'm going to live into the adventure that God has for me.
Relationships or romantic love is a topic I don't really enjoy discussing outside of my close friendships, even then it's a little uncomfortable. Talking about it with co-workers, family and on this blog give me a sort of squirmy feeling and that is probably and indication I need professional help. Squirmy for no particular reason, however. I've had less relationship drama than a 13 year old girl. When high school hit along with the hormones, I made a sort of purposeful attempt at avoiding romantic things because I wanted to focus on school and swimming. When college came I took the approach (or lack-there-of) that it will just sort of 'happen'. I don't need to do anything, it'll all just fall into place, I had plenty of time. Well, college came and went with minimal movement. About a year or so after graduation I found myself thinking, "Crap, maybe I was supposed to do something more, how am I supposed to meet guys now!?"
Well, its a couple of years later still, and I've slowed my roll a little in the worry department. There are times when I feel a sense of urgency regarding acquiring a relationship, however I feel that might be more due to cultural pressures. As the vast majority of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and even thought the wedding boom as slowed, I can think of five babies that have been born within the last month or so.
It is a kind of weird place to be. I've been working really hard on building a meaningful career, being intentional in my relationships with friends, and trying (at a rather snail like pace) of serving my community more. Seeing where my skills and gifts fit the needs of my community. But I don't make for a great conversationalist at a friends wedding, a baby shower or at any medium to large social gathering of friends. Maybe you know what I mean, it goes something like this:
Friend I haven't seen in awhile: Oh, how have you been? What have you been up too?
Me: Well, I've been working and (at this point I'll add the most recent 'exciting' activity I've done, kayaking, trip somewhere, family event, etc).
At this point the conversation usually dies, so I attempt to revive it by inquiring about what that person has been up too. You know, what have them and their significant other been doing, what new milestone has their child reached, what career goal have the attained, what new home improvement project have they taken on. Then you move on to the next conversation that will be identical. The more cynical side of me would like to say something about how I don't have a job I love, I'm still single, I share a bedroom with one of my college friends, my cars check engine light is still on and I haven't gotten into school! But I don't say those things, because in reality I don't think I REALLY feel that way. Again, all that societal pressure.
However, I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Nacho Libre with Jack Black, where his character is hilariously lamenting about how he is priest that just does the same thing everyday but really wants to be a wrestler and fall in love. "But my life is good! Really good! I get to wake up every morning, at 5AM, and make some soup! It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! That's fantastic!"
With the recent news that I did get into grad school, I feel as though I can face the masses with that as my reasoning behind why I'm not where the majority of people in my age range are at in life. Now don't get me wrong, that is not the reason I applied to school, in fact I've wanted to get my MSW since my junior year at Oregon State. I'm really excited about school, so excited that I spent my Saturday night on my couch in my sweat pants looking at my class schedule and book lists.The thing is, even if I knew scores of single, eligible men, I'm not even sure I would know what I 'want'. I've spent so much time not focusing on relationships and the idea of making a list makes me cringe a little, and I'm not sure why. It is not that I don't want a relationship or to get married and have a family one day, because I do. I've tried to talk myself out of it on a few occasions, but it is a desire I have. And that is a little scary to admit not just to myself, but to the world (by 'world' I really mean the 6 people that actually read this thing).
It's funny how God uses people to speak truth into your life. Just yesterday I was talking with my Aunt, stressing about the not-so-small fortune of debt I'll be acquiring through going back to school. She said that she felt that way about a mortgage when they first bought the house they are in how, and God was faithful and they paid off the mortgage in about 15 years (I'm pretty sure it was a 30 year loan, too). She went on to say that God proved faithful again when my cousins and I got through college without any debt. She told me that God has me on this path, getting into school on his timing (as I'd been trying for the last three years), and that he is faithful and is going to use that for his good. I felt really blessed when she spoke those things. Realizing that she was right not just about school debt but more about life. Not that it won't be without difficulty but that He is faithful.
I'm continually confronted by God's love for me and that the end-all be-all of life's existence isn't found solely in a relationship or in an education, it's found in Him. I'm hopeful that a God centered and serving relationship will be a part of my life, but in the meantime I'm going to live into the adventure that God has for me.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Namesake
I thought it interesting this morning, when looking at the title of my blog, I hadn't ever really shared why 'Be like the fox' is it. After all, names are so important in our culture.
Parents fret over naming their children (well, not some people as evidenced by bazaar names out there) or our animals, women change their last names when they marry to signify a new life, names are splayed across jerseys from middle school sports to the professional elite, we pay money to get our initials monogrammed on various personal belongings, we find great identify and significance in a name. I have a friend who has a hyphenated last name can't WAIT to get married and change to just one simple name. I have another friend who's husband took her last name when they got married. I personally like my last name and am nervous about what my married name might be, seeing as how a childhood friend of mine had the last name of Gubert (said like Goobert). I know it could be worse than that.
Titles are equally as important. How many times have you heard 'don't judge a book by it's cover'? I know I do, if I don't like the title then I probably won't read it (I'm shallow in the literary world). We put a lot of thought into our user names for email, twitter, and other social media. How do I want the world to know me? You can communicate a lot or a little by it. My twitter user name is PDXLinds, I thought it
was fitting seeing as how my name is Lindsay and I'm (proudly) from Portland. So when I chose the title for my blog, I wanted it to say something. And rather than try to convey to you what that 'something' was as if it was magic or some epiphany, I'll just show you.
I heard about Wendell Berry from the pastor at my church. The title to the poem for which my blog name comes from, immediately intrigued me the first time I heard it, 'Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front'. Sounds a little crazy, right? See for yourself.
Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
By Wendell Berry
Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.
Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.
There is a lot packed into that poem, and you might not agree with all of it. I might not agree with all of it. But that is not the point. I think this was written in part, to evoke thought. So, in my life, and the snippets of my life that are here on this blog, that is what I want to do. Make a few more tracks than necessary and practice resurrection.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Sunshine, Coffee and Thankfulness
It is a gorgeous morning in the Rose City today. I think I slept extra soundly due to the anticipation of nice weather. Being a born and raise Portlander, it is days like today that we, as a city, live for (the image to your right is a live image from this morning when I wrote this). Days like this make those other nine months of dreary and drizzly rain worth it. When everything is blooming (as well as my allergies), the sun shining over the pristine mountains, and all the greenery everywhere.
As well as being in a great mood this morning I couldn't help but think of a few things that I am thankful for. Not just to live in an amazing place, although on the many rainy days I do day dream of San Diego or Moab or Aspen, but to get the opportunity to go on all kinds of adventures. Food Cart adventures, hiking adventures, kayaking adventures, climbing, camping, rafting, skiing, and all those 'Keep Portland Weird' adventures (it really is a weird place).
One of my roommates thinks my family is so weird (but not for the obvious reasons) in that we don't really fight or argue. Not to say that we don't all have problems, because we do, we're human. But I'm so thankful for my low-drama, supportive, and funny family. My sarcastic and sweet Dad, my goofy and generous Aunt and Uncle, my smart-ass cousin Mike, my teasing and wise cousin Jeff and his sweet and funny wife Stef. My amazingly funny, cute, sweet, and smart nieces and nephew.
For as much as I complain about working. I'm really blessed to not have just one job, but three, in an economy that is struggling where so many people can't find work. Not just work either. I get the opportunity everyday to help coordinate giving some of the most vulnerable kids an opportunity to begin the healing process from being abused. I also get the chance to work with kids that have either had less than ideal environments to grow up in or made poor choices, to being making positive
changes. So excited that I have the opportunity to further my career in studying for my Master of Social Work this fall, I'm officially a USC Trojan! Now, with all that said, if for some reason I won the lottery or found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and never had to work again and could just volunteer with organizations that I loved, I'd be alright with that too.
Being in a transitional stage in life (and learning that I'll probably always be in a transitional stage), and working through the stress that goes along with it, I'm so thankful to have the friends that I do. I get to share in those transitions, the heartaches, the victories, the sweet moments and the ugly stuff. When friends celebrate the accomplishment of grad school, get a great job, get engaged and married, have babies and go on adventures, I get to share in that...how awesome is that?!
I was having a conversation with a woman that is sort of a mentor to me. She has walked through many more seasons in life that I have and is so wise because of it. Makes me wonder why we worry about getting older sometimes, because if I could be
half as great as that woman, I'd be in good order! I digress. Recently I was lamenting on how I've gotten to where I am in life. It wasn't a part of my master plan, because when I started college, I wanted to 'grow up' and be a photographer! I have sort of meandered to where I am at now. Not to say that I'm unhappy with where I am or that I don't find purpose in the things I do, because I find great purpose in these things. What she told me was that if you look back on my life, 4 years, 10 years, or all 25 you can see a path. That the things I've done or gone through, the choices I've made and things I've seen have all been building on each other to get me to where I am now. That the choices I'm making in the present will impact the future. That God has a plan, there is a path and I'm on it...not trying to find it. I know that this information isn't exactly new or novel or life changing. But it does make me thing, to look back AND forward with perspective so that I live life in the present.
With all the good and even the heavy things in life, it is good to look at the small things with thankfulness. Like the sunshine and mountains on a beautiful day, or delicious Stumptown Coffee, or Nine West strappy heels and platform pumps, or new backpacking gear, or Sharpie Pens, country music, silly dogs, funny youtube videos and homemade scones.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Trusting in God's Hiddenness
The longing for the life that we don't possess and cannot gain from this world will remain until we find fulfillment in the King himself."- Rick McKinley, from A Kingdom Called Desire
I like what McKinley says in the above quote (well, and the whole book) because it really speaks to the tension that we live in. More specifically, at church recently, we've been focusing on some of these tensions and the tensions within the church.
There seems to be this tension between Evangelist and the 'social action' camp, well between neo-liberals and neo-fundamentalist. "Which camp is Jesus in? That's the question. Because everyone is claiming he is one their side. But Jesus isn't in one camp or another; he is at work in the tension of holding together the proclamation of the gospel embodied in a people who lovingly serve the world. The choice is not either evangelisim or social action but both/and."
In my home community last week we had a candid and honest conversation about a feeling someone in the group had...and come to find out, many others also shared in. That as a church, our church specifically, we felt this focus on serving in an outreach capacity and not so much on loving each other. Maybe a 'Portland' culture thing? We didn't spend a whole lot of time on analyzing how, why or where, or place blame on anyone or anything.
We decided that as a home community, to not only focus on outreach of the marginalized, but to be intentional in loving each other- to be authentic. In my opinion, it was encouraging. Not to say that it will be easy, because to be intentional and authentic you have to be willing to open up your own life. To let people in, and that can be hard.
In recent years, I've discovered that I tend to hold most of my relationships at a little bit of a distance (maybe more of a gaping distance in some instances). There are a few, that I think I do let in. And I think a lot of people are like that especially in the culture we live in. Don't want to get too close, you might get hurt or offend someone. But how can we live wholeheartedly and intentionally love others if we aren't willing to let them in?
It is a two way road and you can't have one without the other. You have to receive and overflow with love in order to give it. However, that is a lot of work and it requires, demands even, vulnerability. You have to let other in to call you out on things, to speak and walk with you in truth AND grace.
I think the grace part is easy sometimes, at least easy to receive it. Also easy to give it sometimes. I also think we mask a lot of our giving of grace as silent judging, or maybe that is just me.
It is clearly not my job or anyone elses to judge another, because I am a sinner and you are a sinner. We are both guilty. I am sure glad that it isn't my job, although I sometimes struggle with thinking it is. God is the only one that can do that job, however that doesn't stop us from trying. He is full of grace and is just. Can you imagine if he did judge us like we judge others? We'd all be screwed. Thankfully, he is full of grace and mercy and sent Jesus and that he conquered the grave.
Here is an excerpt from McKinley's book that I think is more clear than I could ever be.
"We leave the polarizing place of choosing between church or culture when Jesus becomes the object of our desire. We have to. To desire Jesus is to live into his reign and display his love to the world whereever he calls us, whether that be church or the board room, the home or the streets, the neighborhood or the mission field. To do justice and love mercy in its fullest sense is most authentic and Christ honoring when we have received mercy and been justified by a gracious King."
So, if Jesus is in everything, and the Spirit is in me then all I need to do is live into him and his truth and grace. That is going to be the greatest adventure.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Red Thread
So I meant to write this post close to two weeks ago, however, with a glitch in 'Blogger' I lost everything I wrote before I had a chance to post it. I felt defeated after this and decided to ignore my blog for awhile in rebellion of technology.
But I'm back, and so is my motivation to write!
Everyday when I walk into my office, I pull the blinds up, start my computer, unlock my file cabinet and my desk drawers, and turn my light on. I make sure I don't have any voice mails or faxes waiting and find myself often looking up at my bulletin board. This board has many documents, contact lists, phone numbers and misc. information about conducting a phased interview and what the typical detection periods for drugs of abuse in urine from the time of abuse look like. There are also many pictures of friends, my childhood, family, places I've been and the quote you see in the image to the left.
I'm not the most sentimental person in the world and don't find a lot of value in inspirational quotes, notes, or trinkets. Not to say that I don't appreciate or value these things when they are genuine gifts from others. Actually I really value them. I just find that the 'genuine' part is often times missing.
This quote is a little different and for some reason I find great meaning in it, especially with my line of work, spiritual beliefs and future goals. Is is a simple statement and a sort-of personal anthem, I guess.
A few weeks ago now, due to the aforementioned snafu, I read an article at Relevant Magazine online that you can find here ------> http://http//www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/features/25062-finding-forgiveness-in-south-sudan (sorry I don't know the fancy way to connect a link). In this article, author, Roseann Dennery who is a relief worker for Samaritans Purse, talks about her experience in South Sudan and finding forgiveness.
Dennery introduces an interesting concept that I hadn't heard of when she said, "The red thread of destiny, how it is sometimes referred to, is a concept referring to a continuum of fate, a weaving of events happening as they were meant to be. It is a theme that runs through a shared human experience. Thin and continuous it came through, tying together stories of hope and hardship, each unique yet spoken with subtle traces of forgiveness and forgetting."
This idea, that there is this red thread of destiny which connects one person to another, originated in Eastern Asia, and is used in Chinese and Japanese legend. This concept reminds me of the quote hanging within arms length reach of where I spend 40 hours of my week. Minor Myers Jr. says, "Go into the world and do well" which I interpret as worldly things. Do well, get a good job, marry a good man, be successful, do well. Then he says, "But more importantly, go into the world and do good."
Do good. I interpret that as less tangible, more eternal things. Make a difference, to love others in words and actions, much like Minor Myers Jr. was said to have lived his life. Through the lens with which I look at life, to do good, means to do things for the Kingdom good.
Francis of Assisi is well quoted in saying, "It is of no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching." I love that saying because in order to do good I often times have to remind myself it isn't my actions that are the most important, it is my intention. Is my heart in the right place or in good condition? If it is, then I think there is an outpouring of my heart to others. Personally, I must also remind myself that it isn't about me. It just isn't. I can't do anything apart from God. For more thoughts or insight on this I encourage you to read Romans 8 here ------> http://http//www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8&version=ESV
I do think there is a red thread that connects us all in some magical way. Except I don't think it is magic, it is God. I want my walking to be my preaching. In essence put my money where my mouth is, or insert any other cliche idiom here that you wish.
I'm learning that my personal life and beliefs aren't necessarily so far off from my work, my field or my goals. That in working with abuse victims, struggling parents, physical and sexual offenders, law enforcement and child welfare; there is always room for that red thread, for grace to enter.
But I'm back, and so is my motivation to write!
Everyday when I walk into my office, I pull the blinds up, start my computer, unlock my file cabinet and my desk drawers, and turn my light on. I make sure I don't have any voice mails or faxes waiting and find myself often looking up at my bulletin board. This board has many documents, contact lists, phone numbers and misc. information about conducting a phased interview and what the typical detection periods for drugs of abuse in urine from the time of abuse look like. There are also many pictures of friends, my childhood, family, places I've been and the quote you see in the image to the left.
I'm not the most sentimental person in the world and don't find a lot of value in inspirational quotes, notes, or trinkets. Not to say that I don't appreciate or value these things when they are genuine gifts from others. Actually I really value them. I just find that the 'genuine' part is often times missing.
This quote is a little different and for some reason I find great meaning in it, especially with my line of work, spiritual beliefs and future goals. Is is a simple statement and a sort-of personal anthem, I guess.
A few weeks ago now, due to the aforementioned snafu, I read an article at Relevant Magazine online that you can find here ------> http://http//www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/features/25062-finding-forgiveness-in-south-sudan (sorry I don't know the fancy way to connect a link). In this article, author, Roseann Dennery who is a relief worker for Samaritans Purse, talks about her experience in South Sudan and finding forgiveness.
Dennery introduces an interesting concept that I hadn't heard of when she said, "The red thread of destiny, how it is sometimes referred to, is a concept referring to a continuum of fate, a weaving of events happening as they were meant to be. It is a theme that runs through a shared human experience. Thin and continuous it came through, tying together stories of hope and hardship, each unique yet spoken with subtle traces of forgiveness and forgetting."
This idea, that there is this red thread of destiny which connects one person to another, originated in Eastern Asia, and is used in Chinese and Japanese legend. This concept reminds me of the quote hanging within arms length reach of where I spend 40 hours of my week. Minor Myers Jr. says, "Go into the world and do well" which I interpret as worldly things. Do well, get a good job, marry a good man, be successful, do well. Then he says, "But more importantly, go into the world and do good."
Do good. I interpret that as less tangible, more eternal things. Make a difference, to love others in words and actions, much like Minor Myers Jr. was said to have lived his life. Through the lens with which I look at life, to do good, means to do things for the Kingdom good.
Francis of Assisi is well quoted in saying, "It is of no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching." I love that saying because in order to do good I often times have to remind myself it isn't my actions that are the most important, it is my intention. Is my heart in the right place or in good condition? If it is, then I think there is an outpouring of my heart to others. Personally, I must also remind myself that it isn't about me. It just isn't. I can't do anything apart from God. For more thoughts or insight on this I encourage you to read Romans 8 here ------> http://http//www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8&version=ESV
I do think there is a red thread that connects us all in some magical way. Except I don't think it is magic, it is God. I want my walking to be my preaching. In essence put my money where my mouth is, or insert any other cliche idiom here that you wish.
I'm learning that my personal life and beliefs aren't necessarily so far off from my work, my field or my goals. That in working with abuse victims, struggling parents, physical and sexual offenders, law enforcement and child welfare; there is always room for that red thread, for grace to enter.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Mother's Day Sucks
Sorry for using such strong wording for a title, especially about such a beloved holiday. Actually, I'm not sorry, I meant it and that is why that is the title of this post. I didn't always feel so strongly about Mother's Day.I've never been one to let dates or holidays hold any power over me, particularly commemorating negative events. I understand the value of remembrance but don't agree with allowing it to hold any kind of power, but that is strongly based on my personal experience. I have a friend who thinks I am really cynical for thinking this way, but it is how I view things, I respect how others may have a different experience. It is good to celebrate and commemorate the positive things (wedding anniversary). It is also good to remember those more somber occasions (9/11).
I was born 3 days before Mother's day and every few years I get to share my birthday with the Holiday. As a child, it was kind of fun and really lame at the same time. It was great to be able to have a bigger celebration (more family/friend things to do) but was totally lame that I had to share MY birthday with my Mom, Aunt, Grandma, etc. I know it was totally selfish, but I was a kid, I was the youngest AND the only girl. That was supposed to be MY day. Whatever, I'm over that now.
Mother's Day has taken on a rather ambiguous meaning for me the last 10 years. My Mom died after a long battle with cancer in December of 2000, I was a freshman in high school and it was really confusing. I haven't really known how to react each year as Mother's Day rolls around as it is often celebrated in conjunction with my birthday by my family. In the years following her death I really held an ambivalent opinion on the matter because I didn't know how I felt. That is different now.
To be 100% honest, I'd prefer to not celebrate it. That sounds pretty harsh. It is not that I didn't love my Mother or that I don't want to celebrate her giving me life and all that she meant to me. It is not that I don't appreciate the sacrifices that my Aunt has made in raising me or the support of my Grandma. 
I'd just prefer to celebrate it in my own way, on my own time. Commemorating her in the small ways, by eating at the pizza place we'd go too, watching lame scifi movies she loved, and going to her favorite place- the beach. I think of her regularly now but I haven't always.
I'd just prefer to celebrate it in my own way, on my own time. Commemorating her in the small ways, by eating at the pizza place we'd go too, watching lame scifi movies she loved, and going to her favorite place- the beach. I think of her regularly now but I haven't always. Things were really hazy in the few years after her death. I didn't think about her very often, and when I did I cried, and I hate to cry. With the support of my family, a sense of normalcy developed. I did the high school thing. I went to dances, football games, did a lot of school work, hung out with friends, got involved in my church, got a job, got my drivers licence. I did high-schooler things. Then I went to college and did the college thing.
It may be cliche to say, but the old adage, 'time heals all wounds' has got some truth to it. In no way has the wound of losing my Mom been completely healed, but as time passes things become clearer. It is funny, I've found that in order to get where we think we want to go, to progress and grow in life, we have to know where we've been and who we are. That is really hard for me because I don't like to look backwards, I'd rather keep looking forward, with anything in life. I think that is why I don't like Mother's Day. With as much love and support I received from my family and friends, I still didn't know who I was because I hadn't dealt with where I'd been.
In the last couple of years I feel like I've done a lot of growing, by slowing down and reconnecting with where I've come from. My Dad and I have build a much stronger relationship and that has been a really beautiful thing in and of itself, but has served to help me figure out where I've come from. Things I missed by only looking forward, who my Dad is, who my Mom was and how similar and different I am from them. I've been able to reconcile a lot of those missing links.
All that to say, I still don't like Mother's Day. Maybe its because I have to share my birthday. What I really think it is, is that it forces me to look at all the things I'm going to miss out on. Celebrating the large and small victories, hopefully planning a wedding one day, having kids and just having Mom to go too when you don't know what to do. It makes me sad. Now that I've gone and made a pity party for myself I want it to be clear that I have amazing family and super supportive friends and roommates. I get the honor to share not just in my own family's lives, but in the lives of many of my friends families.
Even if my Mom was still alive, I imagine Mother's Day wouldn't be one of my top five favorite holidays. I'm sure her and I would have battled it out in those tumultuous high school years due to a lot of those super great traits that I picked up from her genetic pool. I'm almost thankful that I didn't have to endure that, but feel bad that my Aunt and Uncle unexpectedly had too.
So, this Mother's Day, I don't just want to grin and bear it and feel bad for myself. I want to remember all the opportunities my Mom did give me, the values she instilled in me, and how she always encouraged me to be myself and to laugh. One of the things I'm most thankful for was how she let me learn and discover God on my own, without pushing her own feelings on me. And the thing I'm most thankful for, is for God being so gracious and patient and waiting for her to come to Him on her own.
The loss of a parent or anyone isn't something I would wish on anyone. However, I know that it has shaped me in an inexplicable way, taught me invaluable lessons and God will continue to use it for His glory.
Here is one of my favorite quotes by an incredible man, Frederick Buechner, that I think sums it all up nicely. "Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."
In the last couple of years I feel like I've done a lot of growing, by slowing down and reconnecting with where I've come from. My Dad and I have build a much stronger relationship and that has been a really beautiful thing in and of itself, but has served to help me figure out where I've come from. Things I missed by only looking forward, who my Dad is, who my Mom was and how similar and different I am from them. I've been able to reconcile a lot of those missing links.
All that to say, I still don't like Mother's Day. Maybe its because I have to share my birthday. What I really think it is, is that it forces me to look at all the things I'm going to miss out on. Celebrating the large and small victories, hopefully planning a wedding one day, having kids and just having Mom to go too when you don't know what to do. It makes me sad. Now that I've gone and made a pity party for myself I want it to be clear that I have amazing family and super supportive friends and roommates. I get the honor to share not just in my own family's lives, but in the lives of many of my friends families.
Even if my Mom was still alive, I imagine Mother's Day wouldn't be one of my top five favorite holidays. I'm sure her and I would have battled it out in those tumultuous high school years due to a lot of those super great traits that I picked up from her genetic pool. I'm almost thankful that I didn't have to endure that, but feel bad that my Aunt and Uncle unexpectedly had too.
So, this Mother's Day, I don't just want to grin and bear it and feel bad for myself. I want to remember all the opportunities my Mom did give me, the values she instilled in me, and how she always encouraged me to be myself and to laugh. One of the things I'm most thankful for was how she let me learn and discover God on my own, without pushing her own feelings on me. And the thing I'm most thankful for, is for God being so gracious and patient and waiting for her to come to Him on her own.
The loss of a parent or anyone isn't something I would wish on anyone. However, I know that it has shaped me in an inexplicable way, taught me invaluable lessons and God will continue to use it for His glory.
Here is one of my favorite quotes by an incredible man, Frederick Buechner, that I think sums it all up nicely. "Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Context
Merriam-Webster defines the word ‘context’ as “the parts of a discourse that surround a word or passage and can throw light on its meaning” and “the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs”. Context is very important in my job and in the field I work in. It can help determine whether or not abuse or neglect occurred, uncover the motivations of people, and ultimately to the prosecution of individuals. I remember learning about context in school and how it is such a basic critical thinking skill. In terms of the bible, context is huge, anyone can choose a little snippet of a passage and use it for whatever message they want to get across (be that accurate or not). Same goes for little pieces of information you hear from someone in passing, that may sound outrageous but when put in the context of the conversation, it makes much more sense.
A couple of months ago, there was an explosion of negative slander regarding a top NFL quarterback, based off of a ten second video someone shot. Based on those ten seconds, it looked like he snubbed a fan that was facing a life threatening illness. He looked like a real jerk, in those ten seconds. As time passed it came out that that was not the whole story. Come to find out, this fan had met him before, and the QB didn’t even see the fan in passing (along with many other fans), he wasn’t ignoring her. He just didn’t see her, not like he was listening to music on his mp3 player or have a big game on his mind as he was walking through the airport. Oh, wait, actually he was listening to music and was headed to a big game. He was preoccupied. You can read about that story at this link (sorry for long link) http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/01/18/an-apology-to-aaron-rodgers-packers-fans-and-jan-cavanaugh/
Dan Kimball, Pastor of Vintage Faith Church in Santa Cruz, spoke at my church this last Sunday. He spoke on Psalm 27 and the importance of context, the importance of perspective in our faith journey. All too often we can get caught up in a thought or idea, lose perspective of reality and drive ourselves (and maybe some other’s) crazy and maybe do some not-so-rational things. He used many examples to illustrate this.
One example was about how he watched a horror movie when he was a kid (and his parents told him not too), something about spiders and this helped perpetuate a fear of spiders. Years later, as an adult, he was getting ready to go to Mexico to build houses as a youth Pastor. Before he left, he caught up with a group that was coming back from doing the same thing, and they shared some of their experiences. This included a sort of show and tell of giant dead tarantulas they brought back, along with some stories of jumping tarantulas. This interaction triggered a wave of irrational thinking on his part that drove him to act in a very silly way. Long (and funny) story short, he got two blow up mattresses to sleep on and positioned all of the youth to sleep in formation around him (his thinking, that the spiders will have to go through the kids to get to him) and a fan to blow on him to fend off those jumping spiders. Moral of that story, when we let our minds get control of us, we can act in some very silly and irrational ways. You can follow Dan on Twitter here, http://twitter.com/#!/DanKimball
I am of the thought that most people lie on a spectrum, where on one end there is depression and on the other there is anxiety (keep in mind, this is an over-simplification of something much more complex, and only my opinion). That when life (as it inevitably does) presents stressors, people generally react on one end of the spectrum or the other. I am on that anxiety end of the spectrum, when something happens I go into super-freak-out mode, where I will do whatever it takes to solve a problem in the quickest least painful way possible. I can over analyze anything in a heartbeat. This has proved to serve me in many ways, but can also be detrimental to my health and mental state. I have a few close friends that lie on the other end of the spectrum, where when they get stressed out they retreat, ignore or medicate the problem. I think there is an amount of normalcy in both reactions as all humans develop coping mechanisms, but there comes a point where it can be unhealthy or even dangerous. This can be evidenced in some people with severe mental health disorders.
As Dan shared on Sunday, he pointed out that in Psalm 27 David started out the chapter talking about the truth of who God is in verse 1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- whom shall I be afraid?” David was probably going through some rough times, as he often did, what with Saul out to kill him and whatnot.
Following this, David then sort of pours his heart out, telling God his concerns all while reminding himself who God is like in verse 9, “Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior.”
Then, finally, David ends the chapter by being determined to wait on the Lord in verse 14, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord”
This is a type of model for us when things get crazy. Rather than go into super-freak-out mode, which I think I’m programmed to do, to turn to the truth of who God is. This serves to give us some perspective, that God is in control and here is all the evidence that points to that, be that examples in our own lives or the lives of others and of course examples from the bible.
In the storms of life it can be really easy to get caught up in the ‘here and now’ and only focus on what is right in front of you and lose sight of the bigger picture. Someone from my Home Community likened it to when you are all zoomed in on Google Maps and you can see everything really close in great detail, but you are completely lost. You need to pull back, see the bigger picture in order to find your way.
While listening to Dan talk, I thought, that it was such a simple idea. However simple, it was still a really good thing to hear and to practice in those every day situations. And in those not so everyday situations, those big life issues, to remember the truth of who He is, share my concerns and wait on Him.
“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.” Psalm 139:5
A couple of months ago, there was an explosion of negative slander regarding a top NFL quarterback, based off of a ten second video someone shot. Based on those ten seconds, it looked like he snubbed a fan that was facing a life threatening illness. He looked like a real jerk, in those ten seconds. As time passed it came out that that was not the whole story. Come to find out, this fan had met him before, and the QB didn’t even see the fan in passing (along with many other fans), he wasn’t ignoring her. He just didn’t see her, not like he was listening to music on his mp3 player or have a big game on his mind as he was walking through the airport. Oh, wait, actually he was listening to music and was headed to a big game. He was preoccupied. You can read about that story at this link (sorry for long link) http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/01/18/an-apology-to-aaron-rodgers-packers-fans-and-jan-cavanaugh/
Dan Kimball, Pastor of Vintage Faith Church in Santa Cruz, spoke at my church this last Sunday. He spoke on Psalm 27 and the importance of context, the importance of perspective in our faith journey. All too often we can get caught up in a thought or idea, lose perspective of reality and drive ourselves (and maybe some other’s) crazy and maybe do some not-so-rational things. He used many examples to illustrate this.
One example was about how he watched a horror movie when he was a kid (and his parents told him not too), something about spiders and this helped perpetuate a fear of spiders. Years later, as an adult, he was getting ready to go to Mexico to build houses as a youth Pastor. Before he left, he caught up with a group that was coming back from doing the same thing, and they shared some of their experiences. This included a sort of show and tell of giant dead tarantulas they brought back, along with some stories of jumping tarantulas. This interaction triggered a wave of irrational thinking on his part that drove him to act in a very silly way. Long (and funny) story short, he got two blow up mattresses to sleep on and positioned all of the youth to sleep in formation around him (his thinking, that the spiders will have to go through the kids to get to him) and a fan to blow on him to fend off those jumping spiders. Moral of that story, when we let our minds get control of us, we can act in some very silly and irrational ways. You can follow Dan on Twitter here, http://twitter.com/#!/DanKimball
I am of the thought that most people lie on a spectrum, where on one end there is depression and on the other there is anxiety (keep in mind, this is an over-simplification of something much more complex, and only my opinion). That when life (as it inevitably does) presents stressors, people generally react on one end of the spectrum or the other. I am on that anxiety end of the spectrum, when something happens I go into super-freak-out mode, where I will do whatever it takes to solve a problem in the quickest least painful way possible. I can over analyze anything in a heartbeat. This has proved to serve me in many ways, but can also be detrimental to my health and mental state. I have a few close friends that lie on the other end of the spectrum, where when they get stressed out they retreat, ignore or medicate the problem. I think there is an amount of normalcy in both reactions as all humans develop coping mechanisms, but there comes a point where it can be unhealthy or even dangerous. This can be evidenced in some people with severe mental health disorders.
As Dan shared on Sunday, he pointed out that in Psalm 27 David started out the chapter talking about the truth of who God is in verse 1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- whom shall I be afraid?” David was probably going through some rough times, as he often did, what with Saul out to kill him and whatnot.
Following this, David then sort of pours his heart out, telling God his concerns all while reminding himself who God is like in verse 9, “Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior.”
Then, finally, David ends the chapter by being determined to wait on the Lord in verse 14, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord”
This is a type of model for us when things get crazy. Rather than go into super-freak-out mode, which I think I’m programmed to do, to turn to the truth of who God is. This serves to give us some perspective, that God is in control and here is all the evidence that points to that, be that examples in our own lives or the lives of others and of course examples from the bible.
In the storms of life it can be really easy to get caught up in the ‘here and now’ and only focus on what is right in front of you and lose sight of the bigger picture. Someone from my Home Community likened it to when you are all zoomed in on Google Maps and you can see everything really close in great detail, but you are completely lost. You need to pull back, see the bigger picture in order to find your way.
While listening to Dan talk, I thought, that it was such a simple idea. However simple, it was still a really good thing to hear and to practice in those every day situations. And in those not so everyday situations, those big life issues, to remember the truth of who He is, share my concerns and wait on Him.
“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.” Psalm 139:5
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Social Work and Photography
With the deadline of my graduate school application fast approaching, I spent sometime in a coffee shop this last weekend working on my personal statement. I may have been the caffeine or the eclectic group of individuals around me or perhaps the coffee shop itself.
Bipartisan Cafe, just down the road from my house, close to Flying Pie Pizza and the Academy Theater, is a really interesting and fun coffee shop. I'd like to think I'm a bit of a coffee connoisseur, but I'm probably not. However, this place has a really cool atmosphere and vibe. It has all of the really old war posters (think Norman Rockwell) and interesting artifacts from what seems to be a world ago. At least a world that I've never known.
Norman Rockwell's images depict many different American ideals, some that seem foreign now. I like how his illustrations showcase the more 'everyday' or 'normal' life scenarios. A lot of his pictures showcase or highlight a peak of wartime in the mid-1900's. Another artist that is not like Norman Rockwell at all, but no less powerful in his depictions of life is that of W. Eugene Smith.
According to Wikipedia, Smith was "known for his refusal to compromise professional standards and his brutally vivid World War II photographs". One look at his body of work and I think most would agree. These pictures aren't for the faint of heart. I also wonder, how many of these pictures would be accurate of today's men and women serving all over the world.
The image to your left, is the first W. Eugene Smith photo that I'd ever seen. It was the summer going into my senior year of high school and I was taking an photography class at the local community college for my senior project. Our term project was creating a photo essay on a particular subject. Part of this project was researching a photographer that the instructor assigned to you, and studying their methods in terms of similarities and differences to you. It was in the Multnomah County Library, in Downtown Portland, that I was learning about other people's suffering from generations ago. I wanted to learn how to make that stop for people.
Maybe lots of people have many defining moments in their lives, generally, I'm not one of those people. My life has been and is being defined by many experiences, sights, conversations and quiet moments, a sort of meandering narrative. However, if I've ever had a defining moment, this could have been one of them, sitting in that huge, quiet library flipping through page after page. This was the beginning of my journey to the field of social work. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be a photographer and I ran with that idea until partway through college when I woke up and realized I was of average talent and skill in a field where less than %10 of the best 'make it'. So I switched to the next best thing, Human Development!
Fast forward 7ish years and I'm looking towards a Masters. It was looking at W. Eugene Smith's raw photos that showed me a more diverse human experience. The sufferings of so many people and nations for a multitude of reasons. My realization in college that I was never going to make a living being a photographer, and that my true passion lies in helping 'the least of these'. God had taken me on my unique journey to give me perspective, in order to better serve others, to be a better human.
I'm excited for the journey that lies ahead and a little afraid, but I don't think any journey worth walking is without a few bumps in the road and a little trepidation. It's my prayer that I'd be present in others lives, taking part in stories around me and forming some of my own.
Bipartisan Cafe, just down the road from my house, close to Flying Pie Pizza and the Academy Theater, is a really interesting and fun coffee shop. I'd like to think I'm a bit of a coffee connoisseur, but I'm probably not. However, this place has a really cool atmosphere and vibe. It has all of the really old war posters (think Norman Rockwell) and interesting artifacts from what seems to be a world ago. At least a world that I've never known.
Norman Rockwell's images depict many different American ideals, some that seem foreign now. I like how his illustrations showcase the more 'everyday' or 'normal' life scenarios. A lot of his pictures showcase or highlight a peak of wartime in the mid-1900's. Another artist that is not like Norman Rockwell at all, but no less powerful in his depictions of life is that of W. Eugene Smith.
According to Wikipedia, Smith was "known for his refusal to compromise professional standards and his brutally vivid World War II photographs". One look at his body of work and I think most would agree. These pictures aren't for the faint of heart. I also wonder, how many of these pictures would be accurate of today's men and women serving all over the world.
The image to your left, is the first W. Eugene Smith photo that I'd ever seen. It was the summer going into my senior year of high school and I was taking an photography class at the local community college for my senior project. Our term project was creating a photo essay on a particular subject. Part of this project was researching a photographer that the instructor assigned to you, and studying their methods in terms of similarities and differences to you. It was in the Multnomah County Library, in Downtown Portland, that I was learning about other people's suffering from generations ago. I wanted to learn how to make that stop for people. Maybe lots of people have many defining moments in their lives, generally, I'm not one of those people. My life has been and is being defined by many experiences, sights, conversations and quiet moments, a sort of meandering narrative. However, if I've ever had a defining moment, this could have been one of them, sitting in that huge, quiet library flipping through page after page. This was the beginning of my journey to the field of social work. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be a photographer and I ran with that idea until partway through college when I woke up and realized I was of average talent and skill in a field where less than %10 of the best 'make it'. So I switched to the next best thing, Human Development!
Fast forward 7ish years and I'm looking towards a Masters. It was looking at W. Eugene Smith's raw photos that showed me a more diverse human experience. The sufferings of so many people and nations for a multitude of reasons. My realization in college that I was never going to make a living being a photographer, and that my true passion lies in helping 'the least of these'. God had taken me on my unique journey to give me perspective, in order to better serve others, to be a better human.
I'm excited for the journey that lies ahead and a little afraid, but I don't think any journey worth walking is without a few bumps in the road and a little trepidation. It's my prayer that I'd be present in others lives, taking part in stories around me and forming some of my own.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Here's Hoping, Rip City
I can't say the Blazer's have always been a team with a strong following. The 'Rise With Us' slogan has been a welcome change in the last couple years from that of my youth, when they were known as the 'Jail Blazers'. It is nice to have a team to be proud (for the most part) of. I like sports, but I'm not a crazy huge fan, and I won't pretend to know a ton about every sport. I think football and basketball are the two sports I know most about and enjoy watching. What I know about soccer is limited to my few years on a youth league and softball to my two seasons of T-ball. My expertise is more akin to swimming and water polo in high school and my attempt (as a 5 foot 3 inch female) to row crew on an NCAA D1 school (a few torn muscles and cracked bones later, I learned MY lesson).
All that to say, the ONLY defining sports experience I had was when the OSU Beavers won the World Series back to back while I was in school. I've had my hopes for the Beavs and football, but I'm not kidding myself (heck, I'd be happy with ANY Pac-10 or 12 team winning the championship). Blazer's won the Championship about 10 years before I was born AND Portland hasn't had any other professional team (until MLS came to town this year).
I'd LOVE the Blazers to pull this one out and take the series and prove to the world we've got something. So, here's hoping! Go Blazers!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
One Chapter Closing
As I wind through my last few days with my current job, I've taken a position of reflection. I started in this agency 4 and a half years ago. It was the beginning of my junior year at Oregon State, and I was petrified. I'd just been hires as a 'Child and Adolescent Treatment Specialist' for a psychiatric residential treatment facility for kids. I was in no way a specialist of anything (except maybe procrastinating my school work) let alone of any kind of treatment or kids. I think I had taken one directly related class on the mental health system. I'd heard such horror stories about this job and my mindset walking in was, 'I can always quit'. But hey, they were willing to pay me WAY over minimum wage, a whole $9.06/hr!
Well, four and a half years later and I've moved from a direct care staff to management, from residential to community programs and most recently in admissions. I feel like I've covered it all, well everything you can do without a Masters degree. It is bittersweet, my departure. I'm excited to move forward in my professional career, but am sad to leave the people I've come to know and care about as they have made this experience positive. Because goodness knows getting spit on, yelled at (by kids and parents), and enduring the beast that are insurance companies isn't the ONLY reason I stayed as long as I did.
In my experience, aside from some hilarious/sad/traumatizing/scary stories of working with the kids, my co-workers have made this the most formative professional experience I've had thus far. I'm walking away with some amazing friendships that have endured geographic changes, career changes, marriages, houses and babies. In all of that, I'm struck by the stories of those around me. That I've been privileged to at least lay witness and in some cases be a part of some people's stories.
In this season, I've met what were not only two hilarious and wonderful people, but people that would become my roommates for one of the more challenging seasons of my life. I've forged stronger friendships with some people that I had known prior to my employment with the agency.
Others that I have met amaze me with their intelligence, humor, skill and humility and have learned that despite whatever ideological or spiritual or personal differences there may be, you can always laugh together. Because we are all human, and if I've learned one thing, you can't take life THAT seriously.
I've watched others make poor professional or life decisions, they are in the midst of their own story and I've been lucky to have others walk with me through my own challenges.
Being able to hear the stories of those kids and staff I've worked with have helped me; to understand the world around me a little better, to have a little more empathy and compassion for the myriad of stories going on out there. There are some really great ones being lived, and there are some really tragic ones. I'm in the midst of my own and with this experience almost in my rear view mirror, as much as I've grown and grown up, I still don't know what to do with my life. Mostly, I feel motivated to not just live a good story, regardless of what that looks like, but to step into others stories. To be present for a season or a lifetime.
Finally, in Donald Miller's book, 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years', he talks about this idea, of living a better story. On the last page of the book I think Miller sums it up nicely, "How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder."
Well, four and a half years later and I've moved from a direct care staff to management, from residential to community programs and most recently in admissions. I feel like I've covered it all, well everything you can do without a Masters degree. It is bittersweet, my departure. I'm excited to move forward in my professional career, but am sad to leave the people I've come to know and care about as they have made this experience positive. Because goodness knows getting spit on, yelled at (by kids and parents), and enduring the beast that are insurance companies isn't the ONLY reason I stayed as long as I did.
In my experience, aside from some hilarious/sad/traumatizing/scary stories of working with the kids, my co-workers have made this the most formative professional experience I've had thus far. I'm walking away with some amazing friendships that have endured geographic changes, career changes, marriages, houses and babies. In all of that, I'm struck by the stories of those around me. That I've been privileged to at least lay witness and in some cases be a part of some people's stories.
In this season, I've met what were not only two hilarious and wonderful people, but people that would become my roommates for one of the more challenging seasons of my life. I've forged stronger friendships with some people that I had known prior to my employment with the agency.
Others that I have met amaze me with their intelligence, humor, skill and humility and have learned that despite whatever ideological or spiritual or personal differences there may be, you can always laugh together. Because we are all human, and if I've learned one thing, you can't take life THAT seriously.
I've watched others make poor professional or life decisions, they are in the midst of their own story and I've been lucky to have others walk with me through my own challenges.
Being able to hear the stories of those kids and staff I've worked with have helped me; to understand the world around me a little better, to have a little more empathy and compassion for the myriad of stories going on out there. There are some really great ones being lived, and there are some really tragic ones. I'm in the midst of my own and with this experience almost in my rear view mirror, as much as I've grown and grown up, I still don't know what to do with my life. Mostly, I feel motivated to not just live a good story, regardless of what that looks like, but to step into others stories. To be present for a season or a lifetime.
Finally, in Donald Miller's book, 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years', he talks about this idea, of living a better story. On the last page of the book I think Miller sums it up nicely, "How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
twin baby boys have a conversation - OFFICIAL VIDEO
Oh my gosh, this video cracks me up, it's SO cute and SO funny!!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
We All Want More
In my continued reading of "A Kingdom Called Desire" by Rick McKinley this week, I must be honest here. A lot of what I've been reading and experiencing in my own spiritual life is about being honest with not only myself, but most importantly with God. I also want to be honest here- so most of the ideas in this post were spurred by my reading of this book...so, if I'm being honest I guess these are just his ideas that my brain has chewed over. I just want to give credit where credit is due.
Basically what I've surmised so far, and what has been evident in my life, is that our desires lead us to the discovery that fulfillment in this life is unattainable. As life progresses and the things we chase, point us to the fact that what we truly desire is impossible. That is in the next life.
I found this rather disappointing way of looking at it at first, what I was hearing from that was 'you'll never be happy', but that is the wrong way of looking at it. Looking past that, in an attempt to look past this disappointment and pain, I can often water down my desires to tangible things. I often look to financial security, a job or relationships or things to fill up that longing.
So when we face what we really want and we take the risk to be honest with ourselves, others, and God about those desires, we need to dig a bit deeper past the fray of tings and stuff in order to get to the hearts desire. We don't simply want a better job; we want security and fulfillment and meaning.....We don't just want to be married; we want to love and be loved...We don't just want the smaller desires; we want life.This last week I was offered an amazing job. Amazing in that it is for an agency with a mission I can align myself professionally and ethically, amazing in the facility I'll be working in, amazing in the people I'll be working with and amazing pay for my education level and field (not to mention for a non-profit!). I've been on this hunt to find a fulfilling job and when I was offered it there was this momentary feeling of 'yes, life will be ok now'. That was a rather fleeting feeling when I realized the bills I have and grad school looming in the near future. Shortly after, I realized what an immense blessing and opportunity this is. I couldn't and can't take credit for it, let alone with all I've been learning lately that this was in any way going to complete me. That it will fill a momentary 'desire' (more money= security, right?) but that what I really desire is Jesus. Because, in the end, all other things will disappoint. Jobs are never all that they seem, relationships- no matter genetic or chosen- have their sour times, and security found in money will lead me on a long and tired chase to nowhere and feeling darn lonely once I stop. Jesus is better than any of those things. In my desire for Him, to serve, to love in truth and grace, to do justice is incredibly freeing.
Paying attention to our hearts brings us face-to-face with a hunger and thirst for life. And right here we may become the most afraid, because honesty that is willing to admit what we truly desire must also admit life is not completely ours to possess. In fact, life is quite limited.I want to pay attention to my heart, to Him, to the desires that he created in me. That I am in Him. I want to sit inside the question of what freedom will look like as I am honest, with both desires and fears.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
What Do I Want? What Do I REALLY Want?
I'm learning that more and more of my life is being punctuated by question marks, not periods or commas. Each year, a few more proverbial question marks get added, and my grammar and syntax gets worse.
This is a poem by Laura Kreger that was printed in the 'Psalms of Ascent' devotional through Imago Dei Community. I find myself completely identifying with the story, but finding hope and ease in the last paragraph.
In this Lenten season I often fine myself in a self-centered power struggle. That I'm not enough, I can't NOT sin. Thoughts start to creep in, to either give up or just start pretending. Those aren't very good options. In Luke 22, the story takes me to the end of Christ's life, where there is another option. In Christ's sacrifice, I can embrace the fact that I cannot deny sin, but he can, and I am in him.
In Rick McKinley's new book, "A Kingdom Called Desire", a book I have yet to finish (I'm only on chapter 3 at this point). He challenges us to sit inside the question, what do I desire most? I feel I've been faced with that question a lot in this Lenten season. In all honesty, I couldn't answer that question at first and it took some real self reflection to be honest.
So, really asking that question, what do I want? What do I desire most? Why am I afraid to ask that question? McKinley says,
Now I find myself back at the beginning, with many question marks punctuating the season I'm in. In the midst of those questions, desires and fears, I know that He is good and ever so faithful. So that is what I'll rest in, His faithfulness.
This is a poem by Laura Kreger that was printed in the 'Psalms of Ascent' devotional through Imago Dei Community. I find myself completely identifying with the story, but finding hope and ease in the last paragraph.
I sit at a card table solving my 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. I know my picture doesn’t match the glossy one on the box, but not all the pieces are in yet. Follow you? Yes, Lord, just a few more pieces and I’ll be set.
My frame is done—the corners, the straight edges, the degree, the job. Next I need to fill it in. Maybe more school for a better job. See that big hole? It might take awhile: more Bible, more books, more art. You know, God, a husband would make this go faster, someone to help. Did that piece get kicked under the couch?
Pieces for parents, nieces, grandma, friends. People need me, they come first. Buying groceries, washing dishes. Tedious to-do list pieces need to be placed too. Is this blue more blue than that blue? I’m hunched over the table with bloodshot eyes. I’m so close.
Suddenly, the door flies open and a wind whips through the room, overturning the table, sending pieces flying. The floor is a mess. The box, crumpled. Through the open doorway, a voice: “Follow me.”
Not when I think I’m ready. Now.
I peek out. The scene from the box stretches as far as I can see, and farther. With light. Depth. Completion. I unclench my fists. All of this—free? Free. Anxiety begins to melt. Christ takes my hand and leads me into his picture.
In this Lenten season I often fine myself in a self-centered power struggle. That I'm not enough, I can't NOT sin. Thoughts start to creep in, to either give up or just start pretending. Those aren't very good options. In Luke 22, the story takes me to the end of Christ's life, where there is another option. In Christ's sacrifice, I can embrace the fact that I cannot deny sin, but he can, and I am in him.
In Rick McKinley's new book, "A Kingdom Called Desire", a book I have yet to finish (I'm only on chapter 3 at this point). He challenges us to sit inside the question, what do I desire most? I feel I've been faced with that question a lot in this Lenten season. In all honesty, I couldn't answer that question at first and it took some real self reflection to be honest.
So, really asking that question, what do I want? What do I desire most? Why am I afraid to ask that question? McKinley says,
We will know we are getting close to Jesus' kingdom when our deepest joy is confronted by our greatest fears. But what if we press into those deeper questions, joys, and fears, they may open us up to the unlimited possibilities of living into the life of Jesus.I've really seen this in action. Because when I ask myself that question...I answer with more questions! McKinley goes on to say
The questions keep rolling because fear lurks behind the veil of our hearts and honesty pulls back the veil revealing our desires. Do we dare to be honest with God about our deepest desires?
Now I find myself back at the beginning, with many question marks punctuating the season I'm in. In the midst of those questions, desires and fears, I know that He is good and ever so faithful. So that is what I'll rest in, His faithfulness.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Comfortable, The Convenient and The Distracted
So I read the following from my church's website regarding Lent.
Check it out, and the rest of this will make a little more sense.
Imago Dei Community :: Benchmark of Sacrifice: Home
It is talking about how Jesus challenged the disciples to come with Him. In it, the three examples given really hit home with me. Right now, in this Lenten season, I'm seeing how many things in my life have kept me from following Him.
What is the first thing I do when I get home?
Well, besides go to the bathroom and change into sweatpants, I usually turn on the TV. We don't have fancy cable, and generally there isn't anything really good on and I don't actually watch a lot of it. However, I have this need to turn it on. It is almost like this sense of security, that no matter what is going on, I can always depend on the TV to be whisked away from my own mind. Luke 9:61-62 provides and example of the distracted disciple, a situation I often find myself. In reality, the TV provides an unending distraction from the relationships around me, the work I could be getting done and the rest I really need.
Sometimes I think I'm a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to efficiency.
Not in a mathematical or even scientific way. But in a very unique, individual way. I often find myself plotting out when/how I'm going to do things based on the most efficient use of my time and energy. This is not to say I don't waste a colossal amount of time on really insignificant things, but like I said, a very unique way. When I take a shower I always make sure to wash and rinse my hair first then apply the conditioner to set and wash the rest of my body while that conditioner 'conditions' because heaven knows I can't afford those extra 3 minutes. I think my 'efficiency' is really motivated by laziness. At least, I'm pretty sure that is my motivation. Luke 9:59-60 is an example of the convenient disciple. What was his motivation? To avoid duty, a calling, conviction? What is my motivation to do or NOT do things?
Sweat pants, food, blankets, elastic waistbands, central air/forced heat, electricity, fill in the blank for all the comfortable things out there.
I'm pretty sure something like over 90% of the things I have and that exists in the world are for comfort. What do I work for? Comfort. What do I look forward to at the end of the day? Comfort. I can find comfort in oh, so many places too. In food, friends, the Internet, the TV, my possessions, my family, my job, the hope of a better pay check, etc. Luke 9:57-58 talks about the comfortable disciple.
During this season of Lent, I'm learning how much this passage is true of me. In this time of reflection, Jesus response to this disciple is much like a response to me. That following Him is not about my comfort, convenience or distraction for the 'hard' things. It is about Him. What He did. It is funny what true comfort is in those, sometimes, hard to hear words.
Check it out, and the rest of this will make a little more sense.
Imago Dei Community :: Benchmark of Sacrifice: Home
It is talking about how Jesus challenged the disciples to come with Him. In it, the three examples given really hit home with me. Right now, in this Lenten season, I'm seeing how many things in my life have kept me from following Him.
What is the first thing I do when I get home?
Well, besides go to the bathroom and change into sweatpants, I usually turn on the TV. We don't have fancy cable, and generally there isn't anything really good on and I don't actually watch a lot of it. However, I have this need to turn it on. It is almost like this sense of security, that no matter what is going on, I can always depend on the TV to be whisked away from my own mind. Luke 9:61-62 provides and example of the distracted disciple, a situation I often find myself. In reality, the TV provides an unending distraction from the relationships around me, the work I could be getting done and the rest I really need.
Sometimes I think I'm a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to efficiency.
Not in a mathematical or even scientific way. But in a very unique, individual way. I often find myself plotting out when/how I'm going to do things based on the most efficient use of my time and energy. This is not to say I don't waste a colossal amount of time on really insignificant things, but like I said, a very unique way. When I take a shower I always make sure to wash and rinse my hair first then apply the conditioner to set and wash the rest of my body while that conditioner 'conditions' because heaven knows I can't afford those extra 3 minutes. I think my 'efficiency' is really motivated by laziness. At least, I'm pretty sure that is my motivation. Luke 9:59-60 is an example of the convenient disciple. What was his motivation? To avoid duty, a calling, conviction? What is my motivation to do or NOT do things?
Sweat pants, food, blankets, elastic waistbands, central air/forced heat, electricity, fill in the blank for all the comfortable things out there.
I'm pretty sure something like over 90% of the things I have and that exists in the world are for comfort. What do I work for? Comfort. What do I look forward to at the end of the day? Comfort. I can find comfort in oh, so many places too. In food, friends, the Internet, the TV, my possessions, my family, my job, the hope of a better pay check, etc. Luke 9:57-58 talks about the comfortable disciple. As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, 'I will follow you wherever you go.'Jesus replied, 'Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.
During this season of Lent, I'm learning how much this passage is true of me. In this time of reflection, Jesus response to this disciple is much like a response to me. That following Him is not about my comfort, convenience or distraction for the 'hard' things. It is about Him. What He did. It is funny what true comfort is in those, sometimes, hard to hear words.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
In Memory
As I was driving home tonight, I thought about my Grandpa when an old Alfa Romeo pulled out in front of me and I smelled the exhaust. I remember that smell from my Grandpa's old restored 
Alfa convertible that he would take us kids out in individually. I think of him more as I get a little older. He passed away 8 years ago.
It is amazing how small things can trigger a tidal wave of memories. It has been 10 years since my Mom died and I think I've spent the better part of those 10 years thinking very little of my Mom, my Grandpa and others since.
I've spent the better part of those years putting all that behind me and moving on. If you've ever lost someone (and most likely you have) maybe you have experienced something similar. There are lots of conversation about who that person was and what they meant; to you, to the family, to their friends, to their community. I remember thinking a great deal of years afterward, of all the mistakes they made, that I felt everyone pointed out after they were gone. Which, in my opinion, isn't that fair. I mean, they don't get to defend themselves. Anyway, maybe as part of a coping mechanism, I picked up on all the negative things people said (or that I misconstrued) as a way to justify their death. As a way to be 'ok' with it, to reconcile the loss in my heart and mind.
As humans, I think we like to compartmentalize things in our mind (at least that is what I find), makes it easier to deal with things. In my personal journey to adulthood I've learned that, in the person (or people) I've lost, they are not lost to my past. They are not just a part of who I was. In their life and death, they are a major part of who I am and what I'm becoming.
Some say that time heals all wounds. I'm not so sure how fair that statement is. Now, years later, I don't find myself thinking less and less of my loved ones. I find myself thinking differently. Instead of the bad habits they had and poor choices they made, I am more often reminded of the moments I shared. The rest of the entry is devoted to some special memories of my Mom and Grandpa. I realize I may lose all (three) readers I might have at this point. That is ok. I think this is all part of my growth and learning to live in their memory as they help shape my future.
Pancakes: I have many memories of making pancakes with my Mom and brother on Saturday mornings. We used a green glass bowl and always fought over who got to lick the spoon and bowl (we consumed raw egg product, and lived, get over it). Glorious Bisquick.
Sailboat: My grandpa owned a sailboat and would often take us kids out during the summer time. I remember loving that the bridges had to rise on the Willamette and my Grandpa teaching me how to steer the boat.
Cooking: I think my love of food and cooking came from HOURS of watching my Mom cook. She wasn't a very good teacher, but I learned a great deal from this. I remember her making scalloped potatoes, and how she sliced every potato by hand and layered them meticulously in the pan to be cooked. I don't think I've taste a better scalloped potato and imagine nothing will compare.
Artwork: My Grandpa was an Artist by trade, before computers were in the picture and he was good. He was the best Grandpa to have at 'Bring Your Grandparents to School Day'. He would take me to work with him some days, to his office in Downtown Portland. Oh, how I loved this. He would seat me at his desk with every possible medium at my disposal (colored pencils, felt-tip markers, oil pastels, chalk pastels, charcoal pencils, etc.) and I would just get to create away. For lunch he would take me a little diner down the road, Nikkie's, and I would always get a hot cocoa with whipped cream.
Flying Pie: Many Friday nights, we would gather at Flying Pie Pizzeria, with friends. There would be pitchers of beer and soda on the table and my Mom and I would always share a pizza with fresh tomato slices on top. We got to play old school video games and hang out with the 'adults'.
I'm done focusing on the things they did wrong and just want to celebrate the time they were here.
Alfa convertible that he would take us kids out in individually. I think of him more as I get a little older. He passed away 8 years ago.It is amazing how small things can trigger a tidal wave of memories. It has been 10 years since my Mom died and I think I've spent the better part of those 10 years thinking very little of my Mom, my Grandpa and others since.
I've spent the better part of those years putting all that behind me and moving on. If you've ever lost someone (and most likely you have) maybe you have experienced something similar. There are lots of conversation about who that person was and what they meant; to you, to the family, to their friends, to their community. I remember thinking a great deal of years afterward, of all the mistakes they made, that I felt everyone pointed out after they were gone. Which, in my opinion, isn't that fair. I mean, they don't get to defend themselves. Anyway, maybe as part of a coping mechanism, I picked up on all the negative things people said (or that I misconstrued) as a way to justify their death. As a way to be 'ok' with it, to reconcile the loss in my heart and mind.
As humans, I think we like to compartmentalize things in our mind (at least that is what I find), makes it easier to deal with things. In my personal journey to adulthood I've learned that, in the person (or people) I've lost, they are not lost to my past. They are not just a part of who I was. In their life and death, they are a major part of who I am and what I'm becoming.
Some say that time heals all wounds. I'm not so sure how fair that statement is. Now, years later, I don't find myself thinking less and less of my loved ones. I find myself thinking differently. Instead of the bad habits they had and poor choices they made, I am more often reminded of the moments I shared. The rest of the entry is devoted to some special memories of my Mom and Grandpa. I realize I may lose all (three) readers I might have at this point. That is ok. I think this is all part of my growth and learning to live in their memory as they help shape my future.
Pancakes: I have many memories of making pancakes with my Mom and brother on Saturday mornings. We used a green glass bowl and always fought over who got to lick the spoon and bowl (we consumed raw egg product, and lived, get over it). Glorious Bisquick.
Sailboat: My grandpa owned a sailboat and would often take us kids out during the summer time. I remember loving that the bridges had to rise on the Willamette and my Grandpa teaching me how to steer the boat.
Cooking: I think my love of food and cooking came from HOURS of watching my Mom cook. She wasn't a very good teacher, but I learned a great deal from this. I remember her making scalloped potatoes, and how she sliced every potato by hand and layered them meticulously in the pan to be cooked. I don't think I've taste a better scalloped potato and imagine nothing will compare.
Artwork: My Grandpa was an Artist by trade, before computers were in the picture and he was good. He was the best Grandpa to have at 'Bring Your Grandparents to School Day'. He would take me to work with him some days, to his office in Downtown Portland. Oh, how I loved this. He would seat me at his desk with every possible medium at my disposal (colored pencils, felt-tip markers, oil pastels, chalk pastels, charcoal pencils, etc.) and I would just get to create away. For lunch he would take me a little diner down the road, Nikkie's, and I would always get a hot cocoa with whipped cream.
Flying Pie: Many Friday nights, we would gather at Flying Pie Pizzeria, with friends. There would be pitchers of beer and soda on the table and my Mom and I would always share a pizza with fresh tomato slices on top. We got to play old school video games and hang out with the 'adults'.
I'm done focusing on the things they did wrong and just want to celebrate the time they were here.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Jesus and 10W-30
So I'm not a mechanically inclined person. At all. I can't hardly hook up a DVD player to the TV. I have to get help from one of my roommates to change the mode over from TV to AUX (or whatever that is) to play a movie! I've had the same computer going on 4 years and I probably don't use it to its full capacity. I have an iphone and it is a miracle I can function that.
So it goes without saying (or does it?) that my automotive abilities are less than ideal. I can, with confidence, say that I can change the oil, check all the fluids and change a flat tire/rotate tires quite well. I'm no car wizard. So when my beloved Rodeo started making a fierce noise a couple of weeks ago, I got a tab bit worried, but thought "it is probably just a leaf caught somewhere in the engine compartment". However the noise never ceased and only got worse. So bad, in fact, I would just turn up the music to drown it out. Ignorance is bliss, right?
My worry got the best of me, as it often does, and I've been thinking about it the last few days pretty heavily (like that will fix it!). Trying to figure out when I could take it in, how I could finagle a ride home and/or to work. What the possible problems could be. Tri-met, we meet again.
In my attempts at asking most of my male friends what they thought it could be, I was none closer to an answer or even a hunch. In hopes to ease my nerves more than actually fix the car, I prayed. Surely, God is bigger than a 2004 Isuzu Rodeo.
At church yesterday, we studied the cost of following Jesus as chronicled in Matthew 8:18-34. In the passage, a few men decide to follow Him and learn quickly how much they must give up. In their first sort of 'mission' they are told to cross to the other side of the lake (now I was envisioning a Trillium Lake, when in reality it was probably more like Lake Pontchartrain, which I confused with the ocean the first time I saw it). Immediately, a storm comes upon them rocking the boat and what does Jesus do? Sleeps. He sleeps through the whole thing, while they yell at Him to get up! And when He does get up, he calms the waves in an instant and asks "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"The pastor made an illustration through this, saying that we are the disciples yelling at Jesus to get up in crisis. If you are following Jesus, He is going to test your faith, that is a given. How will it show up? In the crises, challenges, mundane tasks and other life situations. Realizing that he is purifying us, refining us through these things. It is in those moments that I look over and He is asleep. When He does not work according to my time line. Then what do I do besides worry? I try to fix it. I CAN'T fix it! This is His way of growing me in courage and confidence. In those trials, we can keep trying to fix it, frantically pray or yell at Him to wake up. What I need to do is to sleep like Him, surrender it. We need to embrace the storm, because He will redeem it.
What does this have to do with my Rodeo? Well, with my less than lack luster mechanical skills, no owners manual and a few quarts of oil. I searched the Internet, of which, didn't help ease my anxieties and only served to perpetuate them. I stood dumbly over the engine, under the hood with a flash light- wearing my nice jeans, jacket and heels. I did this for about 10 minutes when I had a sort of automotive epiphany. What if I jiggle that thing, and poke at this thingie? So in less than five minutes of manipulating parts I don't even know and a quart of oil later- I turned my car on. And what do you know it, the noise was GONE! I drove 25 miles home with not a peep from my little engine that could (and did)!
This really is nothing short of a miracle. A small one in light of all that s happening in the world, I'll admit, but a miracle.
It is in these types of moments that I feel so loved, so blessed. That He is bigger than dumb cars, and able to use ninnies like me for great things. Now I know this is no great feat in the wider spectrum, but it is no less powerful that He can and chooses to work in the details. It is a good reminder for me that when you come to faith, that is a gift.
When I finally quit yelling at Jesus to wake up, and decided to rest with Him. He calmed the storm.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Win the Day?
So the Ducks just lost their chances at the Championship game tonight. Being the OSU Beaver fan that I am, it was difficult because I didn't want to watch it (out of principle), I wanted the Ducks to lose and kind of wanted them to win (gasp!) all at the same time. It was exhausting, to say the least and I'm glad all the hype is over. At the very least, I won't have Ducks shouting they are #1 for the next FOREVER. I'm a bit sad because I really wanted a Pac-10 team to win a championship (before we are the Pac-12) and most importantly I wanted an Oregon team to get noticed and a little respect.
Well, none of the above happened.
I read a blog post earlier today by on of my favorite authors where he talked about the Oregon program, Chip Kelly, and Winning the Day. In it he states, "Kelly preaches a single message to his team, and it’s this: Win the day. Who cares about tomorrow, who cares about yesterday, all that is demanded of you is that you win the day. That means have an excellent practice, that means have an excellent day of rest, that means every hour of every day, be there, be present."
I wonder, not just, what would happen if I lived my life like that but if the collective 'we' lived our lives like that. What if we as a community, as Portland, or as a Nation or even as just a citizen of the world, lived like this? What would that change? What would the consequences be?
I'm amazed at how we (speaking to the western and industrialized world)have as much information at our fingertips on the condition of the world. The economic crisis, people losing homes, whole NATIONS going bankrupt, genocide and needless wars, sexual trafficking, women and children being abused, men being emasculated and the list could go on and on. It is amazing how we have all the statistics on what poverty, substance abuse and mental illness do to our neighbors, our brothers and sisters and we do what seems to be, nothing. There are a lot of bleeding hearts out there, and I, on most days could be considered one.
But what are we doing? How are we loving? Are we loving ourselves by buying big TV's and houses, filling our cupboards with food, and looking down on those that don't have a home? Doesn't it seem that the more we have the more we want, the more we get the lonelier we feel. So we go out and buy more (with the money most of us don't have) to fill that void up? What are we doing to Win the Day? Surly, this can't be it?
I don't think that working hard and having nice things is the problem. I just think part of it is that the massive amount of information that is at our finger tips has become like white noise. Something is is always going on around us, but something we never really pay attention to, unless it pertains directly to us. I understand that we can't all always feel and take in every world, national or even local event going on, but I think that Win the Day challenges us to become better people in what we do. Therefore, if we become better people by demanding excellence from ourselves, we can be better people for others. Better people for our friends, our children, our spouses, our co-workers, our neighbors and beyond.
Win the Day, to me, is about incremental change. I get very easily caught up in how big some of the worlds problems are, and easily overwhelmed.
It is easy to think it is to big and we can make any change. Little by little, when we challenge ourselves, we make change. That little change can culminate into big change.
This does not make me a Duck fan, not in the slightest, but I'd like to think that I can appreciate Chip Kelly's mantra. That it is bigger than just football. But don't tell the Ducks that.
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