We All Want More

In my continued reading of "A Kingdom Called Desire" by Rick McKinley this week, I must be honest here. A lot of what I've been reading and experiencing in my own spiritual life is about being honest with not only myself, but most importantly with God. I also want to be honest here- so most of the ideas in this post were spurred by my reading of this book...so, if I'm being honest I guess these are just his ideas that my brain has chewed over. I just want to give credit where credit is due.

Basically what I've surmised so far, and what has been evident in my life, is that our desires lead us to the discovery that fulfillment in this life is unattainable. As life progresses and the things we chase, point us to the fact that what we truly desire is impossible. That is in the next life.

I found this rather disappointing way of looking at it at first, what I was hearing from that was 'you'll never be happy', but that is the wrong way of looking at it. Looking past that, in an attempt to look past this disappointment and pain, I can often water down my desires to tangible things. I often look to financial security, a job or relationships or things to fill up that longing.

So when we face what we really want and we take the risk to be honest with ourselves, others, and God about those desires, we need to dig a bit deeper past the fray of tings and stuff in order to get to the hearts desire. We don't simply want a better job; we want security and fulfillment and meaning.....We don't just want to be married; we want to love and be loved...We don't just want the smaller desires; we want life.

This last week I was offered an amazing job. Amazing in that it is for an agency with a mission I can align myself professionally and ethically, amazing in the facility I'll be working in, amazing in the people I'll be working with and amazing pay for my education level and field (not to mention for a non-profit!). I've been on this hunt to find a fulfilling job and when I was offered it there was this momentary feeling of 'yes, life will be ok now'. That was a rather fleeting feeling when I realized the bills I have and grad school looming in the near future. Shortly after, I realized what an immense blessing and opportunity this is. I couldn't and can't take credit for it, let alone with all I've been learning lately that this was in any way going to complete me. That it will fill a momentary 'desire' (more money= security, right?) but that what I really desire is Jesus. Because, in the end, all other things will disappoint. Jobs are never all that they seem, relationships- no matter genetic or chosen- have their sour times, and security found in money will lead me on a long and tired chase to nowhere and feeling darn lonely once I stop. Jesus is better than any of those things. In my desire for Him, to serve, to love in truth and grace, to do justice is incredibly freeing.

Paying attention to our hearts brings us face-to-face with a hunger and thirst for life. And right here we may become the most afraid, because honesty that is willing to admit what we truly desire must also admit life is not completely ours to possess. In fact, life is quite limited.

I want to pay attention to my heart, to Him, to the desires that he created in me. That I am in Him. I want to sit inside the question of what freedom will look like as I am honest, with both desires and fears.