What Am I Looking For?

I've been asked that question a number of times before. By friends, by mentors, by my pastor and today through Donald Miller's blog post (you can read that here ----> http://http//donmilleris.com/2011/06/20/what-are-you-looking-for-in-a-spouse-why-not-create-a-list/).


Relationships or romantic love is a topic I don't really enjoy discussing outside of my close friendships, even then it's a little uncomfortable. Talking about it with co-workers, family and on this blog give me a sort of squirmy feeling and that is probably and indication I need professional help. Squirmy for no particular reason, however. I've had less relationship drama than a 13 year old girl. When high school hit along with the hormones, I made a sort of purposeful attempt at avoiding romantic things because I wanted to focus on school and swimming. When college came I took the approach (or lack-there-of) that it will just sort of 'happen'. I don't need to do anything, it'll all just fall into place, I had plenty of time. Well, college came and went with minimal movement. About a year or so after graduation I found myself thinking, "Crap, maybe I was supposed to do something more, how am I supposed to meet guys now!?"

Well, its a couple of years later still, and I've slowed my roll a little in the worry department. There are times when I feel a sense of urgency regarding acquiring a relationship, however I feel that might be more due to cultural pressures. As the vast majority of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and even thought the wedding boom as slowed, I can think of five babies that have been born within the last month or so.

It is a kind of weird place to be. I've been working really hard on building a meaningful career, being intentional in my relationships with friends, and trying (at a rather snail like pace) of serving my community more. Seeing where my skills and gifts fit the needs of my community. But I don't make for a great conversationalist at a friends wedding, a baby shower or at any medium to large social gathering of friends. Maybe you know what I mean, it goes something like this:

Friend I haven't seen in awhile: Oh, how have you been? What have you been up too?
Me: Well, I've been working and (at this point I'll add the most recent 'exciting' activity I've done, kayaking, trip somewhere, family event, etc).

At this point the conversation usually dies, so I attempt to revive it by inquiring about what that person has been up too. You know, what have them and their significant other been doing, what new milestone has their child reached, what career goal have the attained, what new home improvement project have they taken on. Then you move on to the next conversation that will be identical. The more cynical side of me would like to say something about how I don't have a job I love, I'm still single, I share a bedroom with one of my college friends, my cars check engine light is still on and I haven't gotten into school! But I don't say those things, because in reality I don't think I REALLY feel that way. Again, all that societal pressure.

However, I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Nacho Libre with Jack Black, where his character is hilariously lamenting about how he is priest that just does the same thing everyday but really wants to be a wrestler and fall in love. "But my life is good! Really good! I get to wake up every morning, at 5AM, and make some soup! It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! That's fantastic!"

With the recent news that I did get into grad school, I feel as though I can face the masses with that as my reasoning behind why I'm not where the majority of people in my age range are at in life. Now don't get me wrong, that is not the reason I applied to school, in fact I've wanted to get my MSW since my junior year at Oregon State. I'm really excited about school, so excited that I spent my Saturday night on my couch in my sweat pants looking at my class schedule and book lists.

The thing is, even if I knew scores of single, eligible men, I'm not even sure I would know what I 'want'. I've spent so much time not focusing on relationships and the idea of making a list makes me cringe a little, and I'm not sure why. It is not that I don't want a relationship or to get married and have a family one day, because I do. I've tried to talk myself out of it on a few occasions, but it is a desire I have. And that is a little scary to admit not just to myself, but to the world (by 'world' I really mean the 6 people that actually read this thing).

It's funny how God uses people to speak truth into your life. Just yesterday I was talking with my Aunt, stressing about the not-so-small fortune of debt I'll be acquiring through going back to school. She said that she felt that way about a mortgage when they first bought the house they are in how, and God was faithful and they paid off the mortgage in about 15 years (I'm pretty sure it was a 30 year loan, too). She went on to say that God proved faithful again when my cousins and I got through college without any debt. She told me that God has me on this path, getting into school on his timing (as I'd been trying for the last three years), and that he is faithful and is going to use that for his good. I felt really blessed when she spoke those things. Realizing that she was right not just about school debt but more about life. Not that it won't be without difficulty but that He is faithful.


I'm continually confronted by God's love for me and that the end-all be-all of life's existence isn't found solely in a relationship or in an education, it's found in Him. I'm hopeful that a God centered and serving relationship will be a part of my life, but in the meantime I'm going to live into the adventure that God has for me.

Namesake

I thought it interesting this morning, when looking at the title of my blog, I hadn't ever really shared why 'Be like the fox' is it. After all, names are so important in our culture.

Parents fret over naming their children (well, not some people as evidenced by bazaar names out there) or our animals, women change their last names when they marry to signify a new life, names are splayed across jerseys from middle school sports to the professional elite, we pay money to get our initials monogrammed on various personal belongings, we find great identify and significance in a name. I have a friend who has a hyphenated last name can't WAIT to get married and change to just one simple name. I have another friend who's husband took her last name when they got married. I personally like my last name and am nervous about what my married name might be, seeing as how a childhood friend of mine had the last name of Gubert (said like Goobert). I know it could be worse than that.

Titles are equally as important. How many times have you heard 'don't judge a book by it's cover'? I know I do, if I don't like the title then I probably won't read it (I'm shallow in the literary world). We put a lot of thought into our user names for email, twitter, and other social media. How do I want the world to know me? You can communicate a lot or a little by it. My twitter user name is PDXLinds, I thought it
was fitting seeing as how my name is Lindsay and I'm (proudly) from Portland. So when I chose the title for my blog, I wanted it to say something. And rather than try to convey to you what that 'something' was as if it was magic or some epiphany, I'll just show you.

I heard about Wendell Berry from the pastor at my church. The title to the poem for which my blog name comes from, immediately intrigued me the first time I heard it, 'Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front'. Sounds a little crazy, right? See for yourself.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
By Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

There is a lot packed into that poem, and you might not agree with all of it. I might not agree with all of it. But that is not the point. I think this was written in part, to evoke thought. So, in my life, and the snippets of my life that are here on this blog, that is what I want to do. Make a few more tracks than necessary and practice resurrection.

Sunshine, Coffee and Thankfulness

It is a gorgeous morning in the Rose City today. I think I slept extra soundly due to the anticipation of nice weather. Being a born and raise Portlander, it is days like today that we, as a city, live for (the image to your right is a live image from this morning when I wrote this). Days like this make those other nine months of dreary and drizzly rain worth it. When everything is blooming (as well as my allergies), the sun shining over the pristine mountains, and all the greenery everywhere.


As well as being in a great mood this morning I couldn't help but think of a few things that I am thankful for. Not just to live in an amazing place, although on the many rainy days I do day dream of San Diego or Moab or Aspen, but to get the opportunity to go on all kinds of adventures. Food Cart adventures, hiking adventures, kayaking adventures, climbing, camping, rafting, skiing, and all those 'Keep Portland Weird' adventures (it really is a weird place).


One of my roommates thinks my family is so weird (but not for the obvious reasons) in that we don't really fight or argue. Not to say that we don't all have problems, because we do, we're human. But I'm so thankful for my low-drama, supportive, and funny family. My sarcastic and sweet Dad, my goofy and generous Aunt and Uncle, my smart-ass cousin Mike, my teasing and wise cousin Jeff and his sweet and funny wife Stef. My amazingly funny, cute, sweet, and smart nieces and nephew.

For as much as I complain about working. I'm really blessed to not have just one job, but three, in an economy that is struggling where so many people can't find work. Not just work either. I get the opportunity everyday to help coordinate giving some of the most vulnerable kids an opportunity to begin the healing process from being abused. I also get the chance to work with kids that have either had less than ideal environments to grow up in or made poor choices, to being making positive
changes. So excited that I have the opportunity to further my career in studying for my Master of Social Work this fall, I'm officially a USC Trojan! Now, with all that said, if for some reason I won the lottery or found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and never had to work again and could just volunteer with organizations that I loved, I'd be alright with that too.

Being in a transitional stage in life (and learning that I'll probably always be in a transitional stage), and working through the stress that goes along with it, I'm so thankful to have the friends that I do. I get to share in those transitions, the heartaches, the victories, the sweet moments and the ugly stuff. When friends celebrate the accomplishment of grad school, get a great job, get engaged and married, have babies and go on adventures, I get to share in that...how awesome is that?!

I was having a conversation with a woman that is sort of a mentor to me. She has walked through many more seasons in life that I have and is so wise because of it. Makes me wonder why we worry about getting older sometimes, because if I could be
half as great as that woman, I'd be in good order! I digress. Recently I was lamenting on how I've gotten to where I am in life. It wasn't a part of my master plan, because when I started college, I wanted to 'grow up' and be a photographer! I have sort of meandered to where I am at now. Not to say that I'm unhappy with where I am or that I don't find purpose in the things I do, because I find great purpose in these things. What she told me was that if you look back on my life, 4 years, 10 years, or all 25 you can see a path. That the things I've done or gone through, the choices I've made and things I've seen have all been building on each other to get me to where I am now. That the choices I'm making in the present will impact the future. That God has a plan, there is a path and I'm on it...not trying to find it. I know that this information isn't exactly new or novel or life changing. But it does make me thing, to look back AND forward with perspective so that I live life in the present.

With all the good and even the heavy things in life, it is good to look at the small things with thankfulness. Like the sunshine and mountains on a beautiful day, or delicious Stumptown Coffee, or Nine West strappy heels and platform pumps, or new backpacking gear, or Sharpie Pens, country music, silly dogs, funny youtube videos and homemade scones.