Relationships or romantic love is a topic I don't really enjoy discussing outside of my close friendships, even then it's a little uncomfortable. Talking about it with co-workers, family and on this blog give me a sort of squirmy feeling and that is probably and indication I need professional help. Squirmy for no particular reason, however. I've had less relationship drama than a 13 year old girl. When high school hit along with the hormones, I made a sort of purposeful attempt at avoiding romantic things because I wanted to focus on school and swimming. When college came I took the approach (or lack-there-of) that it will just sort of 'happen'. I don't need to do anything, it'll all just fall into place, I had plenty of time. Well, college came and went with minimal movement. About a year or so after graduation I found myself thinking, "Crap, maybe I was supposed to do something more, how am I supposed to meet guys now!?"
Well, its a couple of years later still, and I've slowed my roll a little in the worry department. There are times when I feel a sense of urgency regarding acquiring a relationship, however I feel that might be more due to cultural pressures. As the vast majority of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and even thought the wedding boom as slowed, I can think of five babies that have been born within the last month or so.
It is a kind of weird place to be. I've been working really hard on building a meaningful career, being intentional in my relationships with friends, and trying (at a rather snail like pace) of serving my community more. Seeing where my skills and gifts fit the needs of my community. But I don't make for a great conversationalist at a friends wedding, a baby shower or at any medium to large social gathering of friends. Maybe you know what I mean, it goes something like this:
Friend I haven't seen in awhile: Oh, how have you been? What have you been up too?
Me: Well, I've been working and (at this point I'll add the most recent 'exciting' activity I've done, kayaking, trip somewhere, family event, etc).
At this point the conversation usually dies, so I attempt to revive it by inquiring about what that person has been up too. You know, what have them and their significant other been doing, what new milestone has their child reached, what career goal have the attained, what new home improvement project have they taken on. Then you move on to the next conversation that will be identical. The more cynical side of me would like to say something about how I don't have a job I love, I'm still single, I share a bedroom with one of my college friends, my cars check engine light is still on and I haven't gotten into school! But I don't say those things, because in reality I don't think I REALLY feel that way. Again, all that societal pressure.
However, I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Nacho Libre with Jack Black, where his character is hilariously lamenting about how he is priest that just does the same thing everyday but really wants to be a wrestler and fall in love. "But my life is good! Really good! I get to wake up every morning, at 5AM, and make some soup! It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! That's fantastic!"
With the recent news that I did get into grad school, I feel as though I can face the masses with that as my reasoning behind why I'm not where the majority of people in my age range are at in life. Now don't get me wrong, that is not the reason I applied to school, in fact I've wanted to get my MSW since my junior year at Oregon State. I'm really excited about school, so excited that I spent my Saturday night on my couch in my sweat pants looking at my class schedule and book lists.The thing is, even if I knew scores of single, eligible men, I'm not even sure I would know what I 'want'. I've spent so much time not focusing on relationships and the idea of making a list makes me cringe a little, and I'm not sure why. It is not that I don't want a relationship or to get married and have a family one day, because I do. I've tried to talk myself out of it on a few occasions, but it is a desire I have. And that is a little scary to admit not just to myself, but to the world (by 'world' I really mean the 6 people that actually read this thing).
It's funny how God uses people to speak truth into your life. Just yesterday I was talking with my Aunt, stressing about the not-so-small fortune of debt I'll be acquiring through going back to school. She said that she felt that way about a mortgage when they first bought the house they are in how, and God was faithful and they paid off the mortgage in about 15 years (I'm pretty sure it was a 30 year loan, too). She went on to say that God proved faithful again when my cousins and I got through college without any debt. She told me that God has me on this path, getting into school on his timing (as I'd been trying for the last three years), and that he is faithful and is going to use that for his good. I felt really blessed when she spoke those things. Realizing that she was right not just about school debt but more about life. Not that it won't be without difficulty but that He is faithful.
I'm continually confronted by God's love for me and that the end-all be-all of life's existence isn't found solely in a relationship or in an education, it's found in Him. I'm hopeful that a God centered and serving relationship will be a part of my life, but in the meantime I'm going to live into the adventure that God has for me.
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