Simple Things

I realize that this title has a very 'Martha Stewart' sound...in fact, it may be her tag line. Or maybe it was something else.

I digress.

So it is December 27th, Christmas has come and gone, like it always does. However, it feels to have eluded me a little more this year. I feel like with every year I grow older, my most favorite Holiday of all, goes by a little quicker. Slips through my fingers just a little faster. It also feels like there were more cynical commentaries on this, one of the most sacred of festivals, this year. I could analyze that, I'm sure, but I won't. Being in this really in between stage in life can make things often times, very confusing. It can make holidays more complex, relationships befuddling, goals unclear, and generally make one question themselves. A lot.

With Christmas behind and the new year ahead, I want to be sure to take things as they come, and enjoy each moment. I don't want memories to slip through my fingers. I want to always remember, like I did on Christmas Eve, what life is truly about. Jesus. You can argue up and down, and side to side on theology but in the end it comes down to Jesus. Do I trust him, or not. Do I believe or not. I want to get caught up in Jesus.

With the cynical news almost drowning out any semblance of hope. It becomes difficult to remember His simple, yet profound,entrance into our world. The beauty of a manger and a star.


So where does the application come into this? It is hard not to end the season feeling a little void, a little like "what just happened? where did that go?"

I am reminded by Paul's words nearing the end of his life, and I want this to be my charge. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

Not that I am anywhere near (hopefully) the end of my life, I just realize it will be here all to quick and to make this journey worth it.

So, let us press on into the new year, fighting the good fight, running the race and keeping the faith. All while remembering the simplicity of the manger.

Thanksgiving Eve and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I found myself rather grumpy in the last couple of days, bitter that I have to work while I have family in town celebrating Thanksgiving. Grumpy also, for the lack of wintery weather that was promised by the local weather stations. Grumpy and sad for all the referrals that are coming in at work for all the severely struggling mentally ill kids that we cannot serve because we are full to the brim. I can think of a lot of other reasons to be grumpy too, but that takes a lot of energy, I’m learning.


Since working in the mental health field, I have learned many things about the mind and behavior. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), one of many interventions used in mental health therapy, is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. This proves as a very powerful thing, actually it serves to give the person power over their own circumstances. As we often cannot control the actions and reactions of others, the weather, car problems, the choices of many individuals and larger groups or entities- we can then, at least, control our reaction to these things. As with many other self-improvement concepts this is much easier said than done. I think I first learned about CBT three or four years ago, I’ve been using CBT interventions with kids for over two years, and am only now beginning to understand and use some of the basic skills for myself.

Instead of making this a lesson about CBT, what it is, how to use it, and my arbitrary way of teaching, I’ll include a quote from the National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists to sum this therapy up in a much more articulate way than I ever could.

"Cognitive-behavioral therapy does not tell people how they should feel. However, most people seeking therapy do not want to feel they way they have been feeling. The approaches that emphasize stoicism teach the benefits of feeling, at worst, calm when confronted with undesirable situations. They also emphasize the fact that we have our undesirable situations whether we are upset about them or not. If we are upset about our problems, we have two problems -- the problem, and our upset about it. Most people want to have the fewest number of problems possible. So when we learn how to more calmly accept a personal problem, not only do we feel better, but we usually put ourselves in a better position to make use of our intelligence, knowledge, energy, and resources to resolve the problem."

So what the heck does CBT have to do with Thanksgiving? Well, in my opinion, a lot. Look at the time we are in right now, economically in a recession, spiritually many are apathetic, world peace/safety is questionable (The war in Afghanistan. North Korea shelling South Korea, anyone?), political gridlock on many pertinent issues, and (again, in my opinion) a generally cynical attitude towards the world. Let’s juxtapose that against Thanksgiving and the Holiday season in general. This season is not really about any of those things listed above. I’m thankful for the opportunity to stop and be thankful for what I do have and the Hope that has been promised. Using the principles of CBT, when I get grumpy during this Holiday season, serves to bring me back to the purpose of this time. That when idiot drivers are being idiots, knowing that I can’t control their driving by tailgating them, I can take peace in knowing that I can control my own reaction to their idiocy. Thereby, making my day or at least that moment much more enjoyable (or at least tolerable).

Jesus came in a lowly way, not in some grand extravagant way. This Holiday season, I choose to focus on what He did, why He came here and the implications of that. Things aren’t any easier during the Holidays, problems still arise, tragedies occur, people are still human and make poor choices. What would life be without this yearly reminder to focus on our families, our friends, and the things we DO have rather than what we don’t? What would happen if we chose not to acknowledge the gifts we do have, however small and the hope of a birth in a manger? I’d think it would be sad, among other things. So, I’m looking forward to candy canes, Christmas lights, hot cocoa with friends, making things for those I care about, helping those that need it, remembering the hope I have, and trying to reduce stress by remembering who is really in control.

Two Months of Perspective

After almost an almost two month hiatus from the blogging world, I'm back! I'd like to say a lot in my life has changed in the last two months, but it is more like my perspective that has changed more than the actual events. I still work a lot, I still have great friends and a wonderful family. More important, God is still good. He continues to show me how much I need Him and that He has a plan for me. Rather than being anxious about knowing this plan, I've become excited about the possibilities and learning to take things as they come and as opportunities, not obstacles.

I've done quite a few things that I'd have to say I'm proud of. I finally achieved my life long dream of going to Disneyland, and it WAS just as magical as I had expected (dare I say, more than what I expected?). This vacation was sort of the first wave of new perspective. I has to have been the first time in YEARS that I took an honest break from life and didn't have a schedule to follow. It was SO refreshing, and really made me realize that slowing down a bit, is really valuable in the long run. I think I've been so focused on going going going, and moving up, that I've forgotten about the journey.

I talked with a program director at the Graduate School I am applying too, and got some valuable information about applying again. Also, in true logical fashion, I have applied to the Teach for America program, so as to cultivate multiple options for my near future. I've made it past the first couple rounds and am moving on to a final interview early next month. When I applied, I honestly didn't know if I would even go, should I be accepted. However, I now find myself excited and nervous about the possibilities that lie within that option.

My roommate, good friend and I are planning a move towards the end of next month and we feel we've finally come to a conclusion with regards to a location! The thought of moving is not something I am looking forward too, but living somewhere new (even if it is just 5 miles towards town) is something fun to think about (especially since it will be cheaper and more convenient for everyone).

Something else that is keeping my spirits in high regard is the pending Holidays! I love everything the Holidays include, family, food, quality time, the busyness around town, the change in weather, and all the activities. Something my family has done the last two years in a row, and will do again this year is participate in the Advent Conspiracy. Where the scandal that is Christmas, is restored. The basic principle is to Worship Fully, Spend Less, Give More and Love All. You can find out more at the following link and I am excited to be a part of it again this coming season. Some of my plans for this season include a full-family Thanksgiving, the Portland Christmas Tree Lighting, seeing the lights at the Grotto, some holiday parties, hanging with some peeps at my Church and generally enjoying Jesus' birthday.

So, we'll see where the next couple of months are headed, and of course I'll write about it.

Questions in the Trials

Well, here we go again. While having three jobs is often tiring and I wonder what the heck I am working so hard for (to pay a few bills?!), however I am so thankful that I have been provided these jobs all in perfect timing for extraordinary needs that have risen in the past 6 months (a broken tooth, looking a full time job-then being offered a full time job, bad spark plugs, breaking my glasses, and countless other little things). With tired eyes, and going off of the coffee I had at 8am and the one 1/2 hour break, I find enough money in my bank account for my bills to be paid and ample time to write in my blog and update my facebook status.

Lately, I've been learning about the growth I've been experiencing as I stand between the place where God is calling me and the obstacles (external and internal) that keep me from getting there. I think.

So here are five questions, asked by the Pastor of my church, while in those in-between places and my often open ended answers.

1. What do I know?
I know a few, very little truths, but they are foundational. Often times, I fail to hold on to what I know. That Jesus is good and all of this is for his glory and that He's got an adventure with my name on it.
But how do I know this, when there appears to be something negative happening to me or around me? Relying on those foundational truths and remembering what Paul said in Ephesians 1:4 "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."

So,I know that he has called me and is the author to my story. That, regardless of what is swirling around- whatever insurmountable odds may appear against me- He is good. He is there in the in-between.

2. What do I trust?
This is when the 'what I know' part becomes real, and is fleshed out in my heart. Mostly, I trust in the world, money, comfort, other people- things that often disappoint. Actually,things that always disappoint, either in a direct way or in my expectation of the way things should be. I become clouded by those things and the impact they have on me. Emotions come strongly in these situations. I believe and often teach the kids I work with that emotions are not bad things, they are often the body's alarm system' for when things are wrong. However, emotions can be very unreliable and learning to decipher my own emotions becomes a difficult task. That is when you have to pull through those moments, those hurts, those disappointments and trust what I know. And since I know God is good, and He is the author, then I am in whatever situation I'm in for a reason. That this is part of my story, my adventure, and even though I don't know the ending I know I can trust Him.

3. What am I hoping in?
I'm hoping in a lot, I'm throwing all of my eggs in one basket. While the potential risk is high- and the road therein is difficult, the certain outcome is well worth it. I'm hoping in the fact that I'm not alone. I'm hoping in His promises. I'm hoping that beyond what I will experience in this moment, that He is making Himself real. I'm hoping that if all of this life isn't what I thought, that Jesus is enough. I'm hoping in the dreams that He has given me.

4. What am I depending on?
I depend on food, water, shelter, my relationships, I depend on my job to pay my bills so that I can live independently (kind of funny that I depend on something to be independent, oxymoron?). There are a lot of things that I can't change and a lot of things I have no control over, most things, in fact. God is the source of all things. I need Him and He has to show up. If He is the source, then there is nothing without Him.

5. What can I change?
Not much, in fact, most days this is the true battle. I so badly want control because I think I know what I need. While I may know what I need most of the time, He knows what I need all of the time, even when I'm wrong. I can't change these difficult moments in-between the stuff of life. I can, however, stop, be still and look up. Truth is, I can't change without Him. What misery would this be if it weren't for the Gospel?

I find these questions in the crux of the in-between times. In the uncertain and seemingly painful times. These questions remind me of the truth, that I am fallible, finite, weak and in a word, human. These questions point me to the mountains, the vast oceans, a sunrise, monoliths, things that are much larger, and things that have been there before me and will be there long after me. God is showing me truth in these obstacles and uncertainties. Teaching to let go of all those lesser things, that they fail in comparison to who He is and what He is doing in me. I am continually reminded of how small the things in my everyday are, in comparison to God. It is something I don't thing I'll get used too, or something that will ever get old. Everything about this life, even all those beautiful things, fail to compare. Especially, in all those beautiful things, points me up and that he is making us a people for himself. That is where rest is found in the in-between.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

Better Than A Pity Party

It would be fair to say that I am a whiny little girl. Spoiled even. Born in the 80's, given a great family, a good education, lots of opportunities, living in the Northwest, not just a job with benefits- but THREE jobs, wonderful friends, and the hope of a beautiful future. Don't get me wrong, my life hasn't been without challenges, or even some scary times. However, here I am, on my fancy computer talking on my cool iPhone, trying to decide what I am going to wear tomorrow to work. Pretty disgusting, actually. I'm part of some ridiculously small percentage of the world where life even resembles that. I go to bed fairly certain, every night, that I'll wake up the next morning, have food in the fridge, gas in the car, and other seemingly small things. I've written more than my fair share of blogs about how lucky I am to be where I am, despite the turmoil I experience in always wanting to move forward in this life. In my last post I talked about the season of waiting I am in and the small bits of peace that are slowly entering my world regarding this. This week I've been struck by two very strong but different thoughts.

One, I may actually never get married or have a family of my own. Of course I've always thought this was a possibility, given the fact I don't have a boyfriend or a ring on my left hand- or anything even close to resembling that. BUT it really hit me that it may not happen for me, for whatever reason. I've been thinking about that and almost grieving it, realizing how much I've actually wanted this for my life at some point. God hasn't given any clear answer, that is for sure.

Now, the second thing that struck me this week, often follows the types of thoughts mentioned in the previous paragraph. When thinking about marriage and a family, I know this is not the end-all be-all of human existence, in the New Testament Paul even talks about how it is better to be single! I realize that those things are not the only way to life this life. I have a lot of interests, lots of things I'd love to try out, knowing full well that there are probably not enough years in my life to try them all. So I think about all of the beautiful things to take pictures of, the amazing people to meet, the work of so many hands and agencies for the better of those they do not and may not ever know and the pain so many people live in everyday. I think that this is what I want my life to be.

I watched a new show this week on MTV (don't judge) called "World of Jenks" that is about this young documentary film maker that goes around and Chronicles the lives of extraordinary young people. Jenks says "Every young person I meet has a unique way of speaking to our generation. Their story is personal but their message is universal: to make a difference and leave their own unique stamp on society."

In watching two episodes, I think I've found a great show. In one of the two, Jenks is hanging out with rapper Maino. They are in the ghetto of a city on the east coast, talking about their different experiences. One Maino's friends says something rather simple but profound. He states that people say they want to help those in need and in trouble, but those people don't come to where they are. That struck a personal cord with me, because this is true of me. I want to help those in poverty, homeless, drug and alcohol addiction, and those struggling in third world countries. But I don't go to them. How can I say I care about them if I don't show up? I'm just one more hypocrite.

My heart aches for those that don't have clean water, struggle with addiction, and suffer from diseases. Maybe that is my road. Maybe instead of or in addition to grad school and a career, serving those in need is where my life is going. Maybe it isn't the most traditional, but maybe that is it.

An awesome cause is the Advent Conspiracy, "an international movement restoring the scandal of Christmas by substituting compassion for consumption." To challenge us to think of the true meaning of Christmas. The basic principles are that as Americans we spend an obscene amount of money on Christmas each year, and for what? More stuff or cool things? This movement challenges people to worship fully, spend less, give more and love all. This is something the church's I've been to have participated in for the last three Christmas seasons. This is also something my family has participated in for the last two Christmas seasons. Something that I've found really special. It is my goal to take those basic principles of worship fully, spend less, give more and love all- all year long.

There are some really awesome causes and organizations within the Portland area that I need to look into. Maybe help out with the women at the Portland Rescue Mission, volunteer my time with Mercy Corps, or take a big step raise support to go on a short term project with Medical Teams International.

So, I say this. But I'll probably get up in the morning, get my coffee, got to work and work, drive home and think little about those beautiful things. This is where things need to change. This is where the rubber needs to meet the road. I've got to act. So following this post, you'll find the usual and mundane posts from me, but you'll also find some of my stories or experiences. I might crash and burn, I might have a few awkward conversations or I might met some amazing people and share a little more life with them. I want to live a good story.

Donald Miller talks a lot about living a better story, he wrote a whole book about that. In that book, 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years', he says, "I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. But they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees behind them are getting smaller and none of the trees ahead are getting bigger. They take it out on their spouses, and they go looking for an easier story."

This challenges me to move and act, in ways that probably aren't very comfortable. I don't want to get stuck in the middle. I want to live the story that God gave me, like something of an adventure novel. So when we chat about that story in heaven, the story he have me that I did something with, He'll smile.

"If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation. If I got any comfort as I set out on my first story, it was that in nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He's a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn't change, the story hasn't happened yet. And if story is derived from real life, if story is just condensed version of life then life itself may be designed to change us so that we evolve from one kind of person to another. "- Donald Miller

Pumpkins, football, crunchy leaves...these are a few of my favorite things

Summer 2010, FAIL. It is the offical first day of school for kids in Oregon and boy did the rain welcome the students back! September is usually a warm and very pleasent month in Portland, I'm usually ready for the warm weather to be over by this time, however this years' summer was lame. A few hot days, a few more warmer days and the rest was crap.

As I grieve the loss of the summer I never had, not just the weather, but you know all those things that I didn't do. All those camping trips I didn't take, all those late nights with friends that didn't happen, and all those days NOT spend by the river. I can't help but welcome in the next season. Fall, my favorite by far. There is just so much excitment with this season. It is the begining of a long stretch of holidays with family and friends, college and NFL football, cold and windy clear days, the trees changing colors, the first sighting of seeing your breath in the morning. Fall in the Northwest is beautiful, all too short, but beautiful.

I'm looking forward to this season, for no particular reason. God has got me in the midist of a period of waiting. I'm not sure what for, if it would have been up to me, I would be halfway done with grad school, have traveled a little, and working at a sweet job. Instead, I'm no closer to going to school than I was five years ago. I haven't gone anywhere and I live in the town I went to high school in. I've come to learn that there is either a sense of unrest in waiting or a sense of peace. I've felt restless for awhile, though, I feel I'm turning the corner into peace. I'm not there yet, I still get anxious to 'get things going'. However, I'm making progress in other areas. I'm building relationships with my friends and family, building connections with the community that raised me, and growing in character- a rather painstaking process, I'm learning.

I went to a forum at my church months ago, about waiting. This topic often comes up in my blog, because it is often on my mind. I'm in that stage of life where things are 'supposed' to be moving fast and change quickly. I think I'm on more of a stroll than those around me. In this forum, they talked about waiting in many different terms. For women, waiting often comes in waiting for 'the' guy or waiting for children. As a woman, I resonated with that. But, the bigger picture, what are we, we as in humans, waiting for? That is what hit closer to home. What really struck me was that I'll always be waiting. In some form or another in this life, and ultimatly I'm waiting to be reunited with God in the absense of sin after this life. Man, that sounds good. Way better than grad school, a career, a house or a husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited for all those things, but realizing they aren't the only thing really helps knock that anxiety down a couple of notches. Perspective, something I try (and often fail at) teaching the kids at work.

In the meantime, I'll take my three jobs, friends and family, the funny thing a kid says or a crazy thing a co-worker does; slow down and realize life should be lived in the moment. So, for the time being I'm excited to sip my pumpkin spice latte, go out of my way to step on that slightly crunchy leaf, paddle the river with a friend and have the wind blow in my face, carve a pumpkin and bake the seeds, and watch a football game in my fleece-onesey-PJ's eating junk food. Hey, maybe I'll marry one of those football players...or not.

Weary Sojourners

I have always loved Mark Twain. At least I've loved some of his books. He has always appeared to be an interesting man that wrote of tales and adventures. I think that is why I like his writing. I'm a dreamer, a planner by any other name, but not so much of a 'doer'. Sure, I stay busy 'doing' things, lots of things. Lots of coffee drinking, lots of playing around on the Internet, lots of time with friends, some reading, some cooking but not much doing that has to do with adventure. Now, I won't pretend to know the definition of 'adventure' as I am learning it has many facets, but I know that I crave it.

God's timing is something that will always remain quite the mystery to me. Even today, when my car didn't start, I couldn't help but think what perfect timing it was. Sure, it was inconvenient and I couldn't go swimming when I had wanted too. However, just the week before, if my car hadn't started I would have been in big trouble as I would have had to go from my full time job to my part time job with no time for mechanical troubles. So, today as annoying as it was, I marveled at His timing. I didn't have to be anywhere. I didn't have anyone depending on me, so I just had to roll with the punches.

God's timing on a bigger, grander scale is something that, to be honest, I've been getting annoyed with. When will I get into grad school? When will I get married? Will I have a family? What will my career be? When will I find adventure? These are the questions that often course through my brain at any given moment on any given day. Being the 'planner' that I am, it becomes quite inconvenient when things don't GO as planned. Then you have to find a new plan, and a new one for that one that didn't work, it can be exhausting. Twain said "A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds". So, I suppose I am a bit of a tool.

I am finding that the one thing that is often missing from many of my plans is God. Now, of course He is always an after-thought, like "oh, if I get into grad school and get my degree, God could use me in ______ way!" I don't think that is the way He does things, not the way He plans. So what should I do? I suppose I should shut up, sit down, and listen.

Amazing how even when I don't follow Him first, His plan is still in place. It still unfolds the way He intends.

That's where I want to be. Doing. Being active in God's plan and living it out. I think that is what the Adventure is all about.

I've had a few realizations lately, regarding my 'plans' that have not come to fruition. Like, maybe what I've been trying to hard to do these last few years, isn't where I am going. Dare I even say it, but, maybe Social Work isn't where I am to be? Maybe some of those other interest that I've always had, are where I should be going? I'm not really sure yet, but my newest motto (if you will) is to give things a shot. Try it out, apply for the job, apply for the program, talk to people. See what happens. I am also not sure I'll really know for sure either, I think that is all apart of being human. I can't know all those mysteries.

In addition to sudden realizations about where my future may or may not be going, I've had some unwelcome realizations about my past. Realizing that there were a lot of things untouched and unprocessed about the first 18 years of my life. Looking toward my future, I am learning I can't go very far without unpacking and lightening the load of what has already happened. I've genuinely always believed in 'letting things go' and just 'accepting' things and moving forward and not feeling things if I don't have too. But I'm finding out that maybe some of those things stuck around and were misplaced for awhile or that maybe I didn't 'accept' as many things as I thought I did rather than just ignoring them. Ignorance is bliss, right? Maybe not.

On this road to self-discovery or whatever you call it, enters a plan. I think the only path to take is what scripture talks about in Proverbs 16:3-4, 9 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for His own ends- even the wicked for a day of disaster...In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

William Butler Yeats was quite a bit different from Mark Twain. Yeats was a fierce Irishman, one that was a driving force behind the Irish Literary Revival, he was a writer and a poet. He was fascinated with legends and un-earthly things. I doubt you'd see a line like this in a Twain book, "Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world, for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame!". Nevertheless, he wrote some profound (and some strange) pieces. One thing he said is something that has been on my planful mind lately. He said "In dreams begins responsibility." So I guess I am figuring out my dreams, as they relate to my identity in God, NOT in this world and where the responsibility lies. I think I've got a long road ahead.

I read an article today titled "Buried Treasure: The Adventure of Staying Put" by Andrew Peterson. In it, Peterson talks about his thirst for adventure as a child and young adult and how true adventure is where you are. It is in your community, your neighborhood, your family. It was a really good perspective for me to hear, as I always equate adventure with doing and going. Learning that maybe adventure is what I am doing, it is right here, right now. http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002333.cfm#share

"A lot has been made of the Christian life-as-adventure, and I get that. Christ didn't die and conquer death for us to waste away in front of the television. But here's the thing: No experience in my life has approached the joy, wonder, pain, and beauty of staying put". - Andrew Peterson

See Below

Ok, check it out. Copy and paste the link below and read the article. It is a more eloquent and interesting story with the same idea as my previous post about the cupcake.

http://burnsidewriters.com/2010/07/28/discontent/

It's hard to not be happy when you're holding a cupcake

I was lamenting the other day about all the things that are stressing me out, like I commonly do. Then it hit me; everything I've been stressing about in say, the last three months, has been taken care of. Let me count the ways:


1. My job at the school was ending, and I had no sight of a job (despite many, many applications being sent out into oblivion like thousands of others). Then, like magic, I got this on-call job with one of the counties that would be perfect for the interim.

2. When my on-call job was about to fail me in getting me enough hours to pay my bills and I was freaking out, I got a phone call. Result: I got a call for an interview for a job I'd applied for awhile back, and got it. I started the next week, right in time to get paid for my bills due. Magic.

3. This one is not so much a stressor, as it has been a lifetime dream. No joke or exaggeration. I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Disneyland. I'm a closet Disney fanatic, well, not anymore. Low-and-behold, with the jobs I have and all the hours I've put in recently, I have enough money to pay for plane tickets. POOF! My dream is coming true.

There is a common theme to the three samples of my recent 'troubles'; money. In the words of Homer Simpson, "the cause of and solution too, all of life's problems". He was referring to beer, however I find a similar quality between the two. Too much and its all over.

Regardless of Homer's advice, this is not a new thing in my life. Stressing, especially stressing about money. I'm a planner, and often times things do not go as planned. I think my Aunt told me once, that I was born planning. This has been a common theme throughout my life, especially the last 5 or 6 years. I always freak out. Try to fix the problem in whatever way I can. Then I realize I've forgotten a crucial step to anything. Pray. It seems that God would have me learn the same lesson over and over again, or I just don't ever really get it. To trust in Him. "There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23.18

So, I was eating a cupcake when it hit me; I've got it pretty good. Think about it, I was born in America, in the 80's, grew up with progressive technology and ideas, have a supportive family, got a college degree, have true friends, and live in a beautiful region. When I take away all the 'stress' that I feel like I am under. Not just the money issue, but career stuff, grad school stuff, relationship stuff, etc. Then I can truly see all the wonderful things that I have. So, keeping with themes, you'll find an abbreviated list of all of the things I'm thankful for (in no specific order).

1. Cheese- never met a cheese I didn't like
2. Sunshine- we had a wet and long spring, and a pretty sub-par summer in PDX (in my opinion) and I really enjoy when the Sun makes an appearance. Good old vitamin D.
3. Insurance that pays 100% for my glasses.
4. My church and community.
5. Friends visiting town.
6. Disney movies.
7. Facebook chatting with friends thousands of miles away.
8. Food carts and the goodies they create.
9. Seeing all the downtown buildings on my way to work.
10. Floating the river on a hot day.
11. Public transportation.
12. Video's of my niece laughing. Children laughing, in general.
13. Pumpkin pie, in July.
14. Concerts in the Zoo.
15. Raspberries.
16. The Saturday Market.
17. The fact there are two coffee shops within a 5 min. walk of my work.
18. Watching the Sunrise and the possibilities of a new day.
19. My family.
20. Cupcakes.

It is so often the small things in life that bring joy in life, right? What are you thankful for?

Grownupville

I just got done reading this article, and I can't seem to figure out how to paste a link to it...so here is what you should copy and paste to read it. I know it requires a little more effort, but I really think you should read it.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22216-9-things-to-know-before-you-turn-30

And however there isn't really any new or life altering information in it, just goes to show how far away I am from anything resembling maturity. I feel like my good friend Kristi will appreciate this post as we have shared life views. I love Disney movies, think farts are funny (I even have a fart machine app on my phone), like anything that is miniature, like to stay up late and eat pizza, and dance around my room to loud music. It is kind of like I'm on a journey to Grownupville and as each road sign passes me, I can't help but whine "am I there yet?".

I read "The Catcher in the Rye" by JD Salinger when I was in high school and I didn't like it. I know it is crazy to say it, as almost everyone I know LOVES it. I always thought that Holden was really whiny. Whatever my opinions about the book, the author said a few interesting things. He said:

"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."

Now, whatever Salinger was trying to say, it makes me re-think about what my 'cause' is. Then it makes me think how far from 'humble' I am.

The article referred to earlier in this post talks about the 9 things you need to know before you are 30. Seeing as how I've got a few years to go, I wanted to see if I in fact knew any of these things. Below you'll find the 9 things and my commentary.

1. Life is SO not about you- I think everyday I learn a little more how much life is NOT about me. At the same time, I struggle (greatly) with not thinking self-centered. It's a contradiction and so am I.

2. Credit Cards Are Dangerous- Duh! Learned this one before I even knew I knew it. My Mom struggled with credit card debt for a lot of my childhood. My Aunt and Uncle set a good example for me and educated me a lot about the dangers of credit cards. However, college happened. I did get a credit card for 'in case of emergencies'. Then one year, my junior year, when I didn't work because I rowed and had a few internships, that card became how I ate and paid my cell phone bill. Its not huge debt, by any means, but it is debt that I am still paying on.

3. Stuff Will Never Satisfy- I think this may be the lesson in life I must learn over and over and over and over and...you get the idea. It doesn't matter what I have or what I obtain it all loses its 'luster' very quickly. The stuff (I want or have) crowds my apartment, my car, my thoughts and my goals. Think of the space (physical and mental) I'd have to be able to breath and focus on what really matters if there weren't so much stuff in this world. It's distracting.

4. Save Now While You're Young- 401(k)'s, IRA's, retirement...those are scary words. Words that have little practical meaning when your in your 20's. But again, the wise words and my Aunt and Uncle echo in the back of my mind about this stuff. MUST SAVE. Why save when there are trips to go on, bills to pay, coffee to drink and cool things to have? Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) youth and good health are finite things. The benefit in this situation, of saving, far outweighs the perceived costs.

5. You Should Probably Read More- The author is right, I should read more. I've found that I actually enjoy reading outside of college and academia. You should probably read more too (and no, "Twilight" doesn't count).

6. Pay Attention To What You Eat- What?! I'm supposed to watch what I eat? Sarcasm aside, this one is a biggie. It is something I've spent a lot of thought and effort on in probably the last ten years, because anyone that knows me knows I wasn't blessed with a quick metabolism or picky appetite. Granted, I love food, and that doesn't help either. I think that watching what you eat is so important, but I'd also add that moving and staying active are just as important. I'm continuing to learn what an intentionally active and healthy lifestyle is in all facets. To be a good steward of what God has given me.

7.Stop Comparing Yourself To Others- I don't know if it is being a girl, or living in the culture that we do, or if it is just me (or all the above) but I have to actively remind myself not to do this. There are lots of things to remind me that I'm not married, don't own a home or car (or really anything else for that matter), still fighting off those 10 (or 15 or 20 or 30) extra pounds from college or that I may never have a family of my own. Learning not to define myself and my worth in those things is a struggle minute by minute and something I think only God can handle. I think the author sums this one up best in saying "There will always be people your age who are more successful than you, wealthier than you and better-looking than you". Enough said.

8. Get Used To Saying "No"- It is the simple things in life, right? Then why do we, specifically, why do I always try to complicate things by adding 'more'. More activities, more groups, more hobbies, more doing and less being. Remembering daily to live in the present is a simple and beautiful thing. That I need to do more.

9. Maintain Close Relationships- Out of all the things on this list, I feel like I've got this one covered. I've got amazing friends. Amazing friends that work hard at maintaining a relationship with me. We've gone through college, crushes, boyfriends, breakups, embarrassing and memorable moments, weddings and car troubles together. Entering into the stage where most are married or getting there, and starting families is a challenge, an exciting one at that. Something I'm confident we'll get through together.

If you've made it through this entire post, congratulations! I know it was long but I hope that if you read the article mentioned at the beginning you found something of use out of it and if you read my commentary you at least got a laugh out of it. Hopefully you're a little more mature, or a few miles closer to Grownupville now.

The Good Captain

Tonight, the Discovery Channel is going to air the last episode of "The Deadliest Catch" with Captain Phil Harris. I've been watching this show since it began 6 seasons ago. My old roommate in college and I would watch the show every week, it was an event. We loved the extreme conditions, extreme work and extreme people.

Captain Phil was someone that I never actually knew, but had the awesome experience of meeting once. Captain Phil, of "The Deadliest Catch" fame, was in Albany Oregon a little more than a year ago doing some promotions surrounding a coffee brand he was selling, random, right? A friend that my roommate and I know had heard that Captain Phil was going to be in Albany and of course we raced to the store where he was going to be. Of course we got there too late to do the meet and greet and autograph session. But that didn't stop us from standing around watching everyone else meet him and talk with others. We bought the coffee and commemorative mug too.

We got news that there was going to be a showing of that nights episode at a theater in town. So, we got some pizza and beer and headed to the showing. We waited out in the drizzly weather, filed in to the small space filled with people of every different type, and found some prime spots for the showing. Moments later, who sits in the row in front of us? None but Captain Phil himself! He was there with his son, Jake and what appeared to be some other friends. We tried not to freak out, but wanted to squeal with delight. None of us wanted to hound them and ask for one more autograph or picture as people had been doing all day. We we sat there in ecstatic silence. My friend, Emily got enough courage to ask for a picture and boy did I kick myself for not asking too! It was an experience to remember to begin with and now that he is gone, it is something really special.

These last couple weeks as they have been advertising the last few episodes with him, I've found myself profoundly more sad than I ever thought I would be. I think it hits me because he wasn't just some character on a show, but a real person, who appeared to live with transparency and for others. He had a family, friends and a full life.

I ran across this quote from him that really stood out to me as rather poignant. It is in reference to his children.

“I don’t know if there’s one lesson, but in general, if I died tonight and was gone, I hope they’d have the integrity to do what they say, be honest, and do honest work for an honest wage and not short change themselves or anyone else. To be honest about how they live and work. Don’t sidestep things or try to cut corners. Do an honest hard job, and do it to the best of their ability.”

This type of thing reminds me of some people I've lost and some really painful feelings. However, it serves as a wonderful reminder. A reminder, seeing those shots of him lying in a hospital bed, of what life really is about. Or, of what life is not about. That in the end it's not all about those things that we work so hard for. It's about the memories, what we choose to do with our time, about those relationships we build. That what we should be working so hard for is to live, to enjoy what this life has and those who we share it with.

Check this out,
Farewell to our Capt. Phil

Some Assembly Required

I assembled a barbecue today, by myself. It was a bit of an adventure. I'm the type of person that does not want to look at the directions and just do it, I don't want to waste time on directions, geeze! However, 99% of the time this does not lead to an enjoyable experience, and usually a few expletives are involved too. The barbecue was no exception. Alas, I completed it and it stands. The true test will be when I attempt to cook something in it.

After this experience I've determined that I either need a) a legitimate tool kit, b) a boyfriend to do it for me, or c) not to barbecue or attempt to buy anything that needs assembling. Learning to do this 'adult' thing comes with real challenges. And laugh if you will, but it's hard, like having to assemble things on my own.

I guess the experience wasn't that traumatic or frustrating but it is just one more thing to add to the list of becoming an adult. Assembling things, however, are the least of it. It seems like a simple equation. Go to school, do well, find someone- fall in love and get married, buy a house, have a kid (or two, or three, etc), work and live happily ever after. It is not so simple, though. So far I've checked off 'go to school' and I'm trying to go back for more. This is the point in this entry where I could continue to complain and gripe about how hard being an adult and life is. But, I'll spare you. Instead, I think I'll just challenge myself to live in the present and not judge or compare myself with what culture and society tell me I should do 'next'. I think I'll just go along for the ride, try my hardest to be honest and love those people that I've been blessed with.

Bermuda Shorts and Hot Tubs

It is currently 96 degrees in Portland, Oregon. And in case you didn't know, that is really freaking hot. My apartment stays pretty cool because the windows face North/South, avoiding the direct heat of the East/West sun! However, outside of my apartment and in my car is like an easy bake oven that was wired wrong. Reminds me of these little ovens we build when I was in 5th grade and roasted weenies in them (I'm laughing remembering this). I remember it was hot outside when I was making it, and I got spray paint all over myself because, come on, I was in 5th grade spray painting something! If I remember correctly, and I'm pretty sure I do, mine was pretty rocking and heated things through really well. I was a model student. Maybe I missed my calling as an inventor or mechanic or something like that.

Being FROM Portland, there are always a few days each year that are like this. Last year there were like three weeks in a row (not normal, nor ok). And, dare I make a generalization, but most people in PDX don't have air conditioning. Because, just like the fact that we get snow two days a year- nobody knows how to drive in snow. We don't have air conditioning because we only have really hot weather a few days a year.

However if you think about it, air conditioning or heating systems for that matter are quite a luxury, even in our own culture. I was thinking about this while driving, and I was sweating like a pig (how much do pigs really sweat and how do we know?). I tried to suck in up and not use the A/C...but gave in rather quickly. As the cool air started blowing in and on my hot skin, I realized as I drove past a number of individuals holding up signs explaining one plight or another. Some homeless, jobless, and down on their luck for one reason or another. As I drove past them, in my A/C box on wheels. I thought of my good fortune to be born into the family I was, to be given the abilities and opportunities I was. Sometimes I take way too much credit for what is good in my life and don't give much thought to He who has gifted me. This reminds me of the second half of verse 48 in Luke chapter 12, "When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required." I hope that when much is required of me, I'll be humble and willing to give, as I know I've been given so much as evidenced by the relationships I have and the comforts I've been allowed for now.

I spend way to much time focusing on 'getting' or 'doing' or 'achieving'. Thinking about getting into grad school so that I can get some great job, and make money. Make money for what? To buy a house, a nice car, nice clothes, take nice trips, and have a nice life. I work to buy those stylish bermuda shorts to wear in the summer and hang out in hot tubs in the winter. Not that any of those things are bad or not worth working for. I just get way to caught up in it, caught up in wanting to be comfortable.

Comfort is a funny thing to me. I work so hard for it, yet I crave adventure, uncertianty, danger and challenge. When I see those hearts on the streets, the faces of kids I work with, and the pain in the lives of so many. I think it is God's gentle way of reminding me what we are all really here for. That relationships are worth all of the really difficult stuff. That working for nice things isn't bad, but when we focus on it entirely and make an idol of comfort. We're really missing out. Missing out not only on God but we're missing out on all of those messy and beautiful things like relationship, adventure, life.

So, in conclusion, I guess I'm really thankful for what I have and strive to make an idol of nothing (and fail a lot). To work and love with and for the world.

Graveyard

It's 4:41am. I'm watching the sky just begin to light up on the horizon. I'm at work, doing my first (and hopefully, only) graveyard shift. I have been dreading it all week as I've been trying to alter my sleep pattern over the last few days. It hasn't been working. However, with the help of a 5-hour-energy-drink, McDonalds McCafe beverage and a couple Starbucks Doubleshots...I'm doing pretty good.

I have never considered myself a morning person, and I have many people that could agree with that. But, there is something sort of special about watching the sun rise. Maybe it's because I'm usually never awake to appreciate it. Or, maybe because of what it signifies. You know, the begining of a day, starting over and all those opportunities that lie just ahead.

I'm anxious because I'm on the alternate list for a graduate program this year. The second year I've applied, to the only school in the state that offers the program. I just got information from the Director of Admissions that they are going to make a note in my file that I am open to both the 2 and 3 year programs should a spot open up. This makes me dream a little, that maybe there really is a chance of still getting in this year. That maybe God has a purpose in the waiting. I know He does, I just fail (over and over) to remember it on a minute by minute basis.

So, as I sit and watch the sun creep up over the horizon, the crystal clear sky that reminds me it is a new day. A day that He has made. A new day to breath in the possibilities of of what this life may hold. Or, to dream about the life after this one.

However, I am dreaming a little of what my bed is going to feel like in a couple of hours. Glorious, I imagine.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

For Kristi-Rumpelstiltskin

Not only are these for Kristi, but they are for all of you. Hope you laugh a little.

The Power of Love

I am sitting at my church's office, helping out with the reception. Its a slow Thursday. So, I catch up on all those blogs or news stories or facebook status updates or new recipes I want to try. In my scouring of the internet I read this one today by an author that I really enjoy. Hope you enjoy too.



The Power of Love

The best thing since sliced bread?

Coffee, has to be one of the single greatest inventions/discoveries of all time. Not only is it delicious in many forms, but it also provides a wonderful 'side effect' that provides a little boost of energy.

Growing up my mom would drink coffee everyday. I always loved the smell of the beans before being brewed, but then again I always loved the smell of her cigarettes before she smoked them. So that may not be the best logic, but I digress.

Going to McDonalds was a special treat (classy, right?), and the single greatest memory I have of that experience (other than the play structure or delicious hash browns) was pouring in the two pre-portioned cups of half and half and watching them swirl around. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Nowadays, I'm into coffee (but not cigarettes). Iced coffee, brewed coffee, french press coffee, espresso, lattes, and even the Starbucks instant coffee. However, generally speaking if coffee comes in a large tin can from the megamart I'm not a huge fan. I have to admit that the best cup of coffee I've ever had, and consistently have is that from Stumptown Coffee Roasters located in Portland. I'm not an expert in coffee and probably don't have the most discerning of taste, but I really enjoy me a cup-o-joe.

So, I just thought I'd share my joy and love of coffee with you all and hope you can enjoy a cup of Stumptown's finest.

First things first

I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here, blogging that is. I don't know what the purpose is other than to just get all those weird little, random thoughts out into cyber space. At least not yet.

I never really liked the idea of blogging for myself, but have enjoyed catching up with others, sharing ideas and challenging each other via blogging. At least I like the idea of it.

I guess the first thing, the real reason I wanted to blog was to put 'pen to paper' (more like fingers to keys) to all those little things that I would like to share with others.

What should be known is that I like to laugh and will probably be posting things that my weird sense of humor, thinks is funny. Another thing to know about me is that I work with kids, kids with exceptional needs. So, I have lots of stories to share.

I am in a transitional phase in my life, but am learning (very slowly), that life is just a series of transitions. I am somewhere between adulthood and childhood, undergraduate and graduate school, working with kids and doing anything else, wanting a family and wanting no responsibilities whatsoever, wanting to move everywhere and never wanting to move again. It is a weird place. A place that no one really prepares you for, but it is a place of growth and development. Probably the most notable thing about me is my faith in Jesus and finding that it is not some compartment of my life, so much as it is my life. All consuming. And more beautiful and painful than I could have ever imagined. Something that I heard a guy at church say months back, that has stuck with me, is that this life is living a 'thrilling scandal of hope'.

Looking forward to sharing these things with you and hope you'll find something funny or challenging or beautiful or helpful.