Trusting in God's Hiddenness

The longing for the life that we don't possess and cannot gain from this world will remain until we find fulfillment in the King himself."- Rick McKinley, from A Kingdom Called Desire

I like what McKinley says in the above quote (well, and the whole book) because it really speaks to the tension that we live in. More specifically, at church recently, we've been focusing on some of these tensions and the tensions within the church.

There seems to be this tension between Evangelist and the 'social action' camp, well between neo-liberals and neo-fundamentalist. "Which camp is Jesus in? That's the question. Because everyone is claiming he is one their side. But Jesus isn't in one camp or another; he is at work in the tension of holding together the proclamation of the gospel embodied in a people who lovingly serve the world. The choice is not either evangelisim or social action but both/and."

In my home community last week we had a candid and honest conversation about a feeling someone in the group had...and come to find out, many others also shared in. That as a church, our church specifically, we felt this focus on serving in an outreach capacity and not so much on loving each other. Maybe a 'Portland' culture thing? We didn't spend a whole lot of time on analyzing how, why or where, or place blame on anyone or anything.

We decided that as a home community, to not only focus on outreach of the marginalized, but to be intentional in loving each other- to be authentic. In my opinion, it was encouraging. Not to say that it will be easy, because to be intentional and authentic you have to be willing to open up your own life. To let people in, and that can be hard.

In recent years, I've discovered that I tend to hold most of my relationships at a little bit of a distance (maybe more of a gaping distance in some instances). There are a few, that I think I do let in. And I think a lot of people are like that especially in the culture we live in. Don't want to get too close, you might get hurt or offend someone. But how can we live wholeheartedly and intentionally love others if we aren't willing to let them in?

It is a two way road and you can't have one without the other. You have to receive and overflow with love in order to give it. However, that is a lot of work and it requires, demands even, vulnerability. You have to let other in to call you out on things, to speak and walk with you in truth AND grace.

I think the grace part is easy sometimes, at least easy to receive it. Also easy to give it sometimes. I also think we mask a lot of our giving of grace as silent judging, or maybe that is just me.

It is clearly not my job or anyone elses to judge another, because I am a sinner and you are a sinner. We are both guilty. I am sure glad that it isn't my job, although I sometimes struggle with thinking it is. God is the only one that can do that job, however that doesn't stop us from trying. He is full of grace and is just. Can you imagine if he did judge us like we judge others? We'd all be screwed. Thankfully, he is full of grace and mercy and sent Jesus and that he conquered the grave.

Here is an excerpt from McKinley's book that I think is more clear than I could ever be.

"We leave the polarizing place of choosing between church or culture when Jesus becomes the object of our desire. We have to. To desire Jesus is to live into his reign and display his love to the world whereever he calls us, whether that be church or the board room, the home or the streets, the neighborhood or the mission field. To do justice and love mercy in its fullest sense is most authentic and Christ honoring when we have received mercy and been justified by a gracious King."

So, if Jesus is in everything, and the Spirit is in me then all I need to do is live into him and his truth and grace. That is going to be the greatest adventure.

Red Thread

So I meant to write this post close to two weeks ago, however, with a glitch in 'Blogger' I lost everything I wrote before I had a chance to post it. I felt defeated after this and decided to ignore my blog for awhile in rebellion of technology.

But I'm back, and so is my motivation to write!

Everyday when I walk into my office, I pull the blinds up, start my computer, unlock my file cabinet and my desk drawers, and turn my light on. I make sure I don't have any voice mails or faxes waiting and find myself often looking up at my bulletin board. This board has many documents, contact lists, phone numbers and misc. information about conducting a phased interview and what the typical detection periods for drugs of abuse in urine from the time of abuse look like. There are also many pictures of friends, my childhood, family, places I've been and the quote you see in the image to the left.

I'm not the most sentimental person in the world and don't find a lot of value in inspirational quotes, notes, or trinkets. Not to say that I don't appreciate or value these things when they are genuine gifts from others. Actually I really value them. I just find that the 'genuine' part is often times missing.

This quote is a little different and for some reason I find great meaning in it, especially with my line of work, spiritual beliefs and future goals. Is is a simple statement and a sort-of personal anthem, I guess.

A few weeks ago now, due to the aforementioned snafu, I read an article at Relevant Magazine online that you can find here ------> http://http//www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/features/25062-finding-forgiveness-in-south-sudan (sorry I don't know the fancy way to connect a link). In this article, author, Roseann Dennery who is a relief worker for Samaritans Purse, talks about her experience in South Sudan and finding forgiveness.

Dennery introduces an interesting concept that I hadn't heard of when she said, "The red thread of destiny, how it is sometimes referred to, is a concept referring to a continuum of fate, a weaving of events happening as they were meant to be. It is a theme that runs through a shared human experience. Thin and continuous it came through, tying together stories of hope and hardship, each unique yet spoken with subtle traces of forgiveness and forgetting."

This idea, that there is this red thread of destiny which connects one person to another, originated in Eastern Asia, and is used in Chinese and Japanese legend. This concept reminds me of the quote hanging within arms length reach of where I spend 40 hours of my week. Minor Myers Jr. says, "Go into the world and do well" which I interpret as worldly things. Do well, get a good job, marry a good man, be successful, do well. Then he says, "But more importantly, go into the world and do good."

Do good. I interpret that as less tangible, more eternal things. Make a difference, to love others in words and actions, much like Minor Myers Jr. was said to have lived his life. Through the lens with which I look at life, to do good, means to do things for the Kingdom good.

Francis of Assisi is well quoted in saying, "It is of no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching." I love that saying because in order to do good I often times have to remind myself it isn't my actions that are the most important, it is my intention. Is my heart in the right place or in good condition? If it is, then I think there is an outpouring of my heart to others. Personally, I must also remind myself that it isn't about me. It just isn't. I can't do anything apart from God. For more thoughts or insight on this I encourage you to read Romans 8 here ------> http://http//www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8&version=ESV

I do think there is a red thread that connects us all in some magical way. Except I don't think it is magic, it is God. I want my walking to be my preaching. In essence put my money where my mouth is, or insert any other cliche idiom here that you wish.

I'm learning that my personal life and beliefs aren't necessarily so far off from my work, my field or my goals. That in working with abuse victims, struggling parents, physical and sexual offenders, law enforcement and child welfare; there is always room for that red thread, for grace to enter.

Mother's Day Sucks

Sorry for using such strong wording for a title, especially about such a beloved holiday. Actually, I'm not sorry, I meant it and that is why that is the title of this post. I didn't always feel so strongly about Mother's Day.

I've never been one to let dates or holidays hold any power over me, particularly commemorating negative events. I understand the value of remembrance but don't agree with allowing it to hold any kind of power, but that is strongly based on my personal experience. I have a friend who thinks I am really cynical for thinking this way, but it is how I view things, I respect how others may have a different experience. It is good to celebrate and commemorate the positive things (wedding anniversary). It is also good to remember those more somber occasions (9/11).

I was born 3 days before Mother's day and every few years I get to share my birthday with the Holiday. As a child, it was kind of fun and really lame at the same time. It was great to be able to have a bigger celebration (more family/friend things to do) but was totally lame that I had to share MY birthday with my Mom, Aunt, Grandma, etc. I know it was totally selfish, but I was a kid, I was the youngest AND the only girl. That was supposed to be MY day. Whatever, I'm over that now.

Mother's Day has taken on a rather ambiguous meaning for me the last 10 years. My Mom died after a long battle with cancer in December of 2000, I was a freshman in high school and it was really confusing. I haven't really known how to react each year as Mother's Day rolls around as it is often celebrated in conjunction with my birthday by my family. In the years following her death I really held an ambivalent opinion on the matter because I didn't know how I felt. That is different now.

To be 100% honest, I'd prefer to not celebrate it. That sounds pretty harsh. It is not that I didn't love my Mother or that I don't want to celebrate her giving me life and all that she meant to me. It is not that I don't appreciate the sacrifices that my Aunt has made in raising me or the support of my Grandma. I'd just prefer to celebrate it in my own way, on my own time. Commemorating her in the small ways, by eating at the pizza place we'd go too, watching lame scifi movies she loved, and going to her favorite place- the beach. I think of her regularly now but I haven't always.

Things were really hazy in the few years after her death. I didn't think about her very often, and when I did I cried, and I hate to cry. With the support of my family, a sense of normalcy developed. I did the high school thing. I went to dances, football games, did a lot of school work, hung out with friends, got involved in my church, got a job, got my drivers licence. I did high-schooler things. Then I went to college and did the college thing.

It may be cliche to say, but the old adage, 'time heals all wounds' has got some truth to it. In no way has the wound of losing my Mom been completely healed, but as time passes things become clearer. It is funny, I've found that in order to get where we think we want to go, to progress and grow in life, we have to know where we've been and who we are. That is really hard for me because I don't like to look backwards, I'd rather keep looking forward, with anything in life. I think that is why I don't like Mother's Day. With as much love and support I received from my family and friends, I still didn't know who I was because I hadn't dealt with where I'd been.

In the last couple of years I feel like I've done a lot of growing, by slowing down and reconnecting with where I've come from. My Dad and I have build a much stronger relationship and that has been a really beautiful thing in and of itself, but has served to help me figure out where I've come from. Things I missed by only looking forward, who my Dad is, who my Mom was and how similar and different I am from them. I've been able to reconcile a lot of those missing links.

All that to say, I still don't like Mother's Day. Maybe its because I have to share my birthday. What I really think it is, is that it forces me to look at all the things I'm going to miss out on. Celebrating the large and small victories, hopefully planning a wedding one day, having kids and just having Mom to go too when you don't know what to do. It makes me sad. Now that I've gone and made a pity party for myself I want it to be clear that I have amazing family and super supportive friends and roommates. I get the honor to share not just in my own family's lives, but in the lives of many of my friends families.

Even if my Mom was still alive, I imagine Mother's Day wouldn't be one of my top five favorite holidays. I'm sure her and I would have battled it out in those tumultuous high school years due to a lot of those super great traits that I picked up from her genetic pool. I'm almost thankful that I didn't have to endure that, but feel bad that my Aunt and Uncle unexpectedly had too.

So, this Mother's Day, I don't just want to grin and bear it and feel bad for myself. I want to remember all the opportunities my Mom did give me, the values she instilled in me, and how she always encouraged me to be myself and to laugh. One of the things I'm most thankful for was how she let me learn and discover God on my own, without pushing her own feelings on me. And the thing I'm most thankful for, is for God being so gracious and patient and waiting for her to come to Him on her own.

The loss of a parent or anyone isn't something I would wish on anyone. However, I know that it has shaped me in an inexplicable way, taught me invaluable lessons and God will continue to use it for His glory.

Here is one of my favorite quotes by an incredible man, Frederick Buechner, that I think sums it all up nicely. "Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

Context

Merriam-Webster defines the word ‘context’ as “the parts of a discourse that surround a word or passage and can throw light on its meaning” and “the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs”. Context is very important in my job and in the field I work in. It can help determine whether or not abuse or neglect occurred, uncover the motivations of people, and ultimately to the prosecution of individuals. I remember learning about context in school and how it is such a basic critical thinking skill. In terms of the bible, context is huge, anyone can choose a little snippet of a passage and use it for whatever message they want to get across (be that accurate or not). Same goes for little pieces of information you hear from someone in passing, that may sound outrageous but when put in the context of the conversation, it makes much more sense.

A couple of months ago, there was an explosion of negative slander regarding a top NFL quarterback, based off of a ten second video someone shot. Based on those ten seconds, it looked like he snubbed a fan that was facing a life threatening illness. He looked like a real jerk, in those ten seconds. As time passed it came out that that was not the whole story. Come to find out, this fan had met him before, and the QB didn’t even see the fan in passing (along with many other fans), he wasn’t ignoring her. He just didn’t see her, not like he was listening to music on his mp3 player or have a big game on his mind as he was walking through the airport. Oh, wait, actually he was listening to music and was headed to a big game. He was preoccupied. You can read about that story at this link (sorry for long link) http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/01/18/an-apology-to-aaron-rodgers-packers-fans-and-jan-cavanaugh/

Dan Kimball, Pastor of Vintage Faith Church in Santa Cruz, spoke at my church this last Sunday. He spoke on Psalm 27 and the importance of context, the importance of perspective in our faith journey. All too often we can get caught up in a thought or idea, lose perspective of reality and drive ourselves (and maybe some other’s) crazy and maybe do some not-so-rational things. He used many examples to illustrate this.

One example was about how he watched a horror movie when he was a kid (and his parents told him not too), something about spiders and this helped perpetuate a fear of spiders. Years later, as an adult, he was getting ready to go to Mexico to build houses as a youth Pastor. Before he left, he caught up with a group that was coming back from doing the same thing, and they shared some of their experiences. This included a sort of show and tell of giant dead tarantulas they brought back, along with some stories of jumping tarantulas. This interaction triggered a wave of irrational thinking on his part that drove him to act in a very silly way. Long (and funny) story short, he got two blow up mattresses to sleep on and positioned all of the youth to sleep in formation around him (his thinking, that the spiders will have to go through the kids to get to him) and a fan to blow on him to fend off those jumping spiders. Moral of that story, when we let our minds get control of us, we can act in some very silly and irrational ways. You can follow Dan on Twitter here, http://twitter.com/#!/DanKimball

I am of the thought that most people lie on a spectrum, where on one end there is depression and on the other there is anxiety (keep in mind, this is an over-simplification of something much more complex, and only my opinion). That when life (as it inevitably does) presents stressors, people generally react on one end of the spectrum or the other. I am on that anxiety end of the spectrum, when something happens I go into super-freak-out mode, where I will do whatever it takes to solve a problem in the quickest least painful way possible. I can over analyze anything in a heartbeat. This has proved to serve me in many ways, but can also be detrimental to my health and mental state. I have a few close friends that lie on the other end of the spectrum, where when they get stressed out they retreat, ignore or medicate the problem. I think there is an amount of normalcy in both reactions as all humans develop coping mechanisms, but there comes a point where it can be unhealthy or even dangerous. This can be evidenced in some people with severe mental health disorders.

As Dan shared on Sunday, he pointed out that in Psalm 27 David started out the chapter talking about the truth of who God is in verse 1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- whom shall I be afraid?” David was probably going through some rough times, as he often did, what with Saul out to kill him and whatnot.

Following this, David then sort of pours his heart out, telling God his concerns all while reminding himself who God is like in verse 9, “Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior.”

Then, finally, David ends the chapter by being determined to wait on the Lord in verse 14, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord”

This is a type of model for us when things get crazy. Rather than go into super-freak-out mode, which I think I’m programmed to do, to turn to the truth of who God is. This serves to give us some perspective, that God is in control and here is all the evidence that points to that, be that examples in our own lives or the lives of others and of course examples from the bible.

In the storms of life it can be really easy to get caught up in the ‘here and now’ and only focus on what is right in front of you and lose sight of the bigger picture. Someone from my Home Community likened it to when you are all zoomed in on Google Maps and you can see everything really close in great detail, but you are completely lost. You need to pull back, see the bigger picture in order to find your way.

While listening to Dan talk, I thought, that it was such a simple idea. However simple, it was still a really good thing to hear and to practice in those every day situations. And in those not so everyday situations, those big life issues, to remember the truth of who He is, share my concerns and wait on Him.

“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.” Psalm 139:5