Mother's Day Sucks

Sorry for using such strong wording for a title, especially about such a beloved holiday. Actually, I'm not sorry, I meant it and that is why that is the title of this post. I didn't always feel so strongly about Mother's Day.

I've never been one to let dates or holidays hold any power over me, particularly commemorating negative events. I understand the value of remembrance but don't agree with allowing it to hold any kind of power, but that is strongly based on my personal experience. I have a friend who thinks I am really cynical for thinking this way, but it is how I view things, I respect how others may have a different experience. It is good to celebrate and commemorate the positive things (wedding anniversary). It is also good to remember those more somber occasions (9/11).

I was born 3 days before Mother's day and every few years I get to share my birthday with the Holiday. As a child, it was kind of fun and really lame at the same time. It was great to be able to have a bigger celebration (more family/friend things to do) but was totally lame that I had to share MY birthday with my Mom, Aunt, Grandma, etc. I know it was totally selfish, but I was a kid, I was the youngest AND the only girl. That was supposed to be MY day. Whatever, I'm over that now.

Mother's Day has taken on a rather ambiguous meaning for me the last 10 years. My Mom died after a long battle with cancer in December of 2000, I was a freshman in high school and it was really confusing. I haven't really known how to react each year as Mother's Day rolls around as it is often celebrated in conjunction with my birthday by my family. In the years following her death I really held an ambivalent opinion on the matter because I didn't know how I felt. That is different now.

To be 100% honest, I'd prefer to not celebrate it. That sounds pretty harsh. It is not that I didn't love my Mother or that I don't want to celebrate her giving me life and all that she meant to me. It is not that I don't appreciate the sacrifices that my Aunt has made in raising me or the support of my Grandma. I'd just prefer to celebrate it in my own way, on my own time. Commemorating her in the small ways, by eating at the pizza place we'd go too, watching lame scifi movies she loved, and going to her favorite place- the beach. I think of her regularly now but I haven't always.

Things were really hazy in the few years after her death. I didn't think about her very often, and when I did I cried, and I hate to cry. With the support of my family, a sense of normalcy developed. I did the high school thing. I went to dances, football games, did a lot of school work, hung out with friends, got involved in my church, got a job, got my drivers licence. I did high-schooler things. Then I went to college and did the college thing.

It may be cliche to say, but the old adage, 'time heals all wounds' has got some truth to it. In no way has the wound of losing my Mom been completely healed, but as time passes things become clearer. It is funny, I've found that in order to get where we think we want to go, to progress and grow in life, we have to know where we've been and who we are. That is really hard for me because I don't like to look backwards, I'd rather keep looking forward, with anything in life. I think that is why I don't like Mother's Day. With as much love and support I received from my family and friends, I still didn't know who I was because I hadn't dealt with where I'd been.

In the last couple of years I feel like I've done a lot of growing, by slowing down and reconnecting with where I've come from. My Dad and I have build a much stronger relationship and that has been a really beautiful thing in and of itself, but has served to help me figure out where I've come from. Things I missed by only looking forward, who my Dad is, who my Mom was and how similar and different I am from them. I've been able to reconcile a lot of those missing links.

All that to say, I still don't like Mother's Day. Maybe its because I have to share my birthday. What I really think it is, is that it forces me to look at all the things I'm going to miss out on. Celebrating the large and small victories, hopefully planning a wedding one day, having kids and just having Mom to go too when you don't know what to do. It makes me sad. Now that I've gone and made a pity party for myself I want it to be clear that I have amazing family and super supportive friends and roommates. I get the honor to share not just in my own family's lives, but in the lives of many of my friends families.

Even if my Mom was still alive, I imagine Mother's Day wouldn't be one of my top five favorite holidays. I'm sure her and I would have battled it out in those tumultuous high school years due to a lot of those super great traits that I picked up from her genetic pool. I'm almost thankful that I didn't have to endure that, but feel bad that my Aunt and Uncle unexpectedly had too.

So, this Mother's Day, I don't just want to grin and bear it and feel bad for myself. I want to remember all the opportunities my Mom did give me, the values she instilled in me, and how she always encouraged me to be myself and to laugh. One of the things I'm most thankful for was how she let me learn and discover God on my own, without pushing her own feelings on me. And the thing I'm most thankful for, is for God being so gracious and patient and waiting for her to come to Him on her own.

The loss of a parent or anyone isn't something I would wish on anyone. However, I know that it has shaped me in an inexplicable way, taught me invaluable lessons and God will continue to use it for His glory.

Here is one of my favorite quotes by an incredible man, Frederick Buechner, that I think sums it all up nicely. "Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."