Weary Sojourners

I have always loved Mark Twain. At least I've loved some of his books. He has always appeared to be an interesting man that wrote of tales and adventures. I think that is why I like his writing. I'm a dreamer, a planner by any other name, but not so much of a 'doer'. Sure, I stay busy 'doing' things, lots of things. Lots of coffee drinking, lots of playing around on the Internet, lots of time with friends, some reading, some cooking but not much doing that has to do with adventure. Now, I won't pretend to know the definition of 'adventure' as I am learning it has many facets, but I know that I crave it.

God's timing is something that will always remain quite the mystery to me. Even today, when my car didn't start, I couldn't help but think what perfect timing it was. Sure, it was inconvenient and I couldn't go swimming when I had wanted too. However, just the week before, if my car hadn't started I would have been in big trouble as I would have had to go from my full time job to my part time job with no time for mechanical troubles. So, today as annoying as it was, I marveled at His timing. I didn't have to be anywhere. I didn't have anyone depending on me, so I just had to roll with the punches.

God's timing on a bigger, grander scale is something that, to be honest, I've been getting annoyed with. When will I get into grad school? When will I get married? Will I have a family? What will my career be? When will I find adventure? These are the questions that often course through my brain at any given moment on any given day. Being the 'planner' that I am, it becomes quite inconvenient when things don't GO as planned. Then you have to find a new plan, and a new one for that one that didn't work, it can be exhausting. Twain said "A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds". So, I suppose I am a bit of a tool.

I am finding that the one thing that is often missing from many of my plans is God. Now, of course He is always an after-thought, like "oh, if I get into grad school and get my degree, God could use me in ______ way!" I don't think that is the way He does things, not the way He plans. So what should I do? I suppose I should shut up, sit down, and listen.

Amazing how even when I don't follow Him first, His plan is still in place. It still unfolds the way He intends.

That's where I want to be. Doing. Being active in God's plan and living it out. I think that is what the Adventure is all about.

I've had a few realizations lately, regarding my 'plans' that have not come to fruition. Like, maybe what I've been trying to hard to do these last few years, isn't where I am going. Dare I even say it, but, maybe Social Work isn't where I am to be? Maybe some of those other interest that I've always had, are where I should be going? I'm not really sure yet, but my newest motto (if you will) is to give things a shot. Try it out, apply for the job, apply for the program, talk to people. See what happens. I am also not sure I'll really know for sure either, I think that is all apart of being human. I can't know all those mysteries.

In addition to sudden realizations about where my future may or may not be going, I've had some unwelcome realizations about my past. Realizing that there were a lot of things untouched and unprocessed about the first 18 years of my life. Looking toward my future, I am learning I can't go very far without unpacking and lightening the load of what has already happened. I've genuinely always believed in 'letting things go' and just 'accepting' things and moving forward and not feeling things if I don't have too. But I'm finding out that maybe some of those things stuck around and were misplaced for awhile or that maybe I didn't 'accept' as many things as I thought I did rather than just ignoring them. Ignorance is bliss, right? Maybe not.

On this road to self-discovery or whatever you call it, enters a plan. I think the only path to take is what scripture talks about in Proverbs 16:3-4, 9 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for His own ends- even the wicked for a day of disaster...In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

William Butler Yeats was quite a bit different from Mark Twain. Yeats was a fierce Irishman, one that was a driving force behind the Irish Literary Revival, he was a writer and a poet. He was fascinated with legends and un-earthly things. I doubt you'd see a line like this in a Twain book, "Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world, for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame!". Nevertheless, he wrote some profound (and some strange) pieces. One thing he said is something that has been on my planful mind lately. He said "In dreams begins responsibility." So I guess I am figuring out my dreams, as they relate to my identity in God, NOT in this world and where the responsibility lies. I think I've got a long road ahead.

I read an article today titled "Buried Treasure: The Adventure of Staying Put" by Andrew Peterson. In it, Peterson talks about his thirst for adventure as a child and young adult and how true adventure is where you are. It is in your community, your neighborhood, your family. It was a really good perspective for me to hear, as I always equate adventure with doing and going. Learning that maybe adventure is what I am doing, it is right here, right now. http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002333.cfm#share

"A lot has been made of the Christian life-as-adventure, and I get that. Christ didn't die and conquer death for us to waste away in front of the television. But here's the thing: No experience in my life has approached the joy, wonder, pain, and beauty of staying put". - Andrew Peterson