Questions in the Trials

Well, here we go again. While having three jobs is often tiring and I wonder what the heck I am working so hard for (to pay a few bills?!), however I am so thankful that I have been provided these jobs all in perfect timing for extraordinary needs that have risen in the past 6 months (a broken tooth, looking a full time job-then being offered a full time job, bad spark plugs, breaking my glasses, and countless other little things). With tired eyes, and going off of the coffee I had at 8am and the one 1/2 hour break, I find enough money in my bank account for my bills to be paid and ample time to write in my blog and update my facebook status.

Lately, I've been learning about the growth I've been experiencing as I stand between the place where God is calling me and the obstacles (external and internal) that keep me from getting there. I think.

So here are five questions, asked by the Pastor of my church, while in those in-between places and my often open ended answers.

1. What do I know?
I know a few, very little truths, but they are foundational. Often times, I fail to hold on to what I know. That Jesus is good and all of this is for his glory and that He's got an adventure with my name on it.
But how do I know this, when there appears to be something negative happening to me or around me? Relying on those foundational truths and remembering what Paul said in Ephesians 1:4 "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."

So,I know that he has called me and is the author to my story. That, regardless of what is swirling around- whatever insurmountable odds may appear against me- He is good. He is there in the in-between.

2. What do I trust?
This is when the 'what I know' part becomes real, and is fleshed out in my heart. Mostly, I trust in the world, money, comfort, other people- things that often disappoint. Actually,things that always disappoint, either in a direct way or in my expectation of the way things should be. I become clouded by those things and the impact they have on me. Emotions come strongly in these situations. I believe and often teach the kids I work with that emotions are not bad things, they are often the body's alarm system' for when things are wrong. However, emotions can be very unreliable and learning to decipher my own emotions becomes a difficult task. That is when you have to pull through those moments, those hurts, those disappointments and trust what I know. And since I know God is good, and He is the author, then I am in whatever situation I'm in for a reason. That this is part of my story, my adventure, and even though I don't know the ending I know I can trust Him.

3. What am I hoping in?
I'm hoping in a lot, I'm throwing all of my eggs in one basket. While the potential risk is high- and the road therein is difficult, the certain outcome is well worth it. I'm hoping in the fact that I'm not alone. I'm hoping in His promises. I'm hoping that beyond what I will experience in this moment, that He is making Himself real. I'm hoping that if all of this life isn't what I thought, that Jesus is enough. I'm hoping in the dreams that He has given me.

4. What am I depending on?
I depend on food, water, shelter, my relationships, I depend on my job to pay my bills so that I can live independently (kind of funny that I depend on something to be independent, oxymoron?). There are a lot of things that I can't change and a lot of things I have no control over, most things, in fact. God is the source of all things. I need Him and He has to show up. If He is the source, then there is nothing without Him.

5. What can I change?
Not much, in fact, most days this is the true battle. I so badly want control because I think I know what I need. While I may know what I need most of the time, He knows what I need all of the time, even when I'm wrong. I can't change these difficult moments in-between the stuff of life. I can, however, stop, be still and look up. Truth is, I can't change without Him. What misery would this be if it weren't for the Gospel?

I find these questions in the crux of the in-between times. In the uncertain and seemingly painful times. These questions remind me of the truth, that I am fallible, finite, weak and in a word, human. These questions point me to the mountains, the vast oceans, a sunrise, monoliths, things that are much larger, and things that have been there before me and will be there long after me. God is showing me truth in these obstacles and uncertainties. Teaching to let go of all those lesser things, that they fail in comparison to who He is and what He is doing in me. I am continually reminded of how small the things in my everyday are, in comparison to God. It is something I don't thing I'll get used too, or something that will ever get old. Everything about this life, even all those beautiful things, fail to compare. Especially, in all those beautiful things, points me up and that he is making us a people for himself. That is where rest is found in the in-between.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."